Sunday Night With John: I'm Anti, Anti-Bullying

…But I’m not pro-bully either. Before we dive into this mess let me ask you if I told you, your child or someone who you loved dearly could become the Steve Jobs (Apple) of their field, would you jump at the opportunity to watch your child or loved one have unparallel success?  Most of us probably would. Steve Jobs who was very well regarded was somewhat of a bully.  Where we would all be without Steve Jobs, the man created a technology revolution, or what others might call an unhealthy addiction to Apple products.  No one can argue the man was successful and some of his success was due to bullying his employees.  Bullying is a problem in America, and identifying and acknowledging a situation needing improvement is a great first step.  But what I will put forth is that we have all come to the wrong solution. 

America has an intertwined relationship with bullying. We have accepted bullying for years as a way to motivate others. When a coach emotionally bullies a player we have called it character building. When a man sexually bullies a woman, we state that she was asking for it dressing that way.  When a parent physically bullies his or her child we called it good discipline, and when anyone mentally bullies someone we can say the other person just has to become mentally tougher. I have personally experienced an emotionally abusive coach and I have witnessed mental bullying over and over again. We may know someone in our lives who has been sexually bullied, and I have worked in the field of helping children who have been a victim of physical bullies.

Bullying is a nasty relationship skill and the fact that our culture is on the cusp of confronting the bullying dynamic is wonderful.  Why would I then proclaim “I’m Anti-Anti bullying?”  Anti bullying doesn’t address the problem before it begins. It still leads us to a world where bullying has to occur before we can intervene. Once bullying occurs we now have two people’s live altered. One gets labeled a bully, and the other becomes a victim.  Our identities are fragile, and at a vulnerable young age we risk creating a child being labeled a bully for the rest of their k-12 educational life, and we risk creating a victim mind-set for the one who was bullied. I would say I’m “Pro no label” for kids.

It’s tough to out run the view we create for ourselves in childhood. People today still struggle with body issues from not being the size they felt they should have been as a teen. People struggle to find a post athletic image of themselves once the sports stop. A child labeled a bully or a person with bullying behaviors might have to change schools to shake the image and a victim may never think they are good enough to stand up for themselves.  At it’s a core, bullying is a selfish misguided attempt to get something out of life you feel you deserve. Overtime, if bullying works the mindset becomes more and more selfish and bullies get used to using people as pawns to get their needs meet. Over time the victim gives up hope ever thinking someone will stop the bully and save them. But I must ask, what if a bully learned how to get what they wanted without bullying, and what if a victim learned to save him or herself?

Bullies have strengths in their personality. They have the ability to see something they want, make it a goal to achieve it and don’t stop until they get it. The world needs people like this, but steered the correct way. People who know what they want and work to get it accomplish great things. Victims have strengths that need to be pointed out too so their self-esteem can rise and reach a level where they won’t allow a bully to affect them. They need to show the world that compassion and forgiveness have a place at the table of great leadership. I believe that if we teach kids from kindergarten through senior year about relationships and emotional health we will limit the number of bullying incidents and we will lessen the victim pool.

I believe that anti-bully initiatives are a poor approach to tackling serious relationship problems and emotional quandaries because they see these issues in a reactive way.  They leave us crossing our fingers and hoping our loved one isn’t a victim or worse - the bully. It’s a nice thing to say that our school has a bully free policy, or that our community has instated an anti-bullying policy.  But the reality is their will always be bullies.  We can stand on the cusp of tackling this problem and go down the anti-bullying road and create labels for kids, or we can reject the solution we have come up and work to find a better one. A solution that isn’t anti-bullying but pro-healthy people, pro healthy relations, and pro-healthy emotions. If you told me that your child is attending a school that has a pro-healthy relationship policy, I’d bet on these kids to lead us into a better future.