An Adult In The Room
/
An Adult In The Room
John Paul Derryberry
I find myself asking the number one question I have trained into my thought process; what happened to you to make you behave this way. It's an essential change in the thought process by examining human behavior. It's acknowledging three critical factors. First, people don't wake up one day and decide to make poor choices. Second, we are the sum of all our interactions and what we have learned from those interactions. Lastly, we carry those lessons into our future options, creating a perception about how we should navigate those around us.
Why does this question linger in my head today? My beloved Cleveland Browns traded for a quarterback who has been accused of sexual assault by 22 women and faces civil lawsuits around these allegations. However, no criminal charges have been filed, which could be due to numerous reasons. So I'm left deciding whether I continue cheering for the Browns or wait for more information on the new quarterback and his actions toward women before committing to their new path.
I know not cheering for my Browns will not affect their or the NFL's bottom line. This isn't about that. Nor is this about assuming some moral high ground. If another fan decided they can support someone who hasn't had criminal charges pressed, I could respect their line of thinking. Instead, there is a narrative about these allegations being a money grab by the women, one that I wholeheartedly doubt. From my professional career as a social worker, I know there are false allegations made. I've had to work with people who have made false allegations after the fact. It's sad when it happens, yet an overwhelming majority of these things carry some truth. Also, getting 22 people to tell a similar story is damn near impossible. There's a reason the saying goes: where there is smoke, there is fire. I can't in good conscience ignore 22 people based on a dismissive line of thinking.
This also is not some space where their new quarterback shouldn't have an avenue back to his job. I, too, have worked with people who have been the abuser in the relationship. I have found qualities about them I enjoy. I have found myself understanding but not agreeing with why they hurt others. My job is to help them know they can't go down that path again. It's not an easy job, and it takes work to understand the questions I started with: What happened to them to make them think their behavior was okay? There is no path back without finding out the truth about what occurred, no matter how messy that truth is. You want redemption after horrible acts? Lay out those horrible acts before you ask for forgiveness and the type of money that comes with being an NFL QB.
Abusers usually saw or learned their attitude towards relationships from other unhealthy sources and are just repeating what happened to them or what they witnessed happening to others. Understanding consent is tricky. Power dynamics affect it a lot. Lack of knowledge about the subject matter affects just every level of our population. Quickly think back to your youth; how many conversations did you have about consent? How often did you think about how messy consent can be depending on numerous situations? As I learned more about consent in my professional field, the more I realized how much I misunderstood the concept in my own interactions. I had to unlearn what happened to me to move forward with a better understanding of how to interact with the world.
So back to the original question: can I still cheer for my beloved Cleveland Browns? I can't right now. I know too much, and also too little, about consent and what occurred between these 22 women and the Browns' new QB. The Browns said they wanted an adult in the room as their new QB. Still, there is nothing adult about facing 22 allegations of sexual misconduct. This is a mess, and I can't forge ahead with so much unknown in good conscience. But, in all honesty, it's the adult thing to do. So I will request the Browns and their new QB make this more transparent to clean up the messiness of the whole situation. It has nothing to do with wins and losses. The Browns could win the Super Bowl next year, but I'm out until I feel like someone there starts acting like an adult.