Crystal Clear

Crystal Clear

John Paul Derryberry

Some of us can't always trace back to when life changed. One part of your personality began to shrink, and a part of you that you didn't know existed started to grow. Funny enough, part of my origin story is at band camp. It would be easy to state that I started on this path the day my dad died, and that would be true. But there were many possible paths I could have taken in the years after my father's death. A near screw-up, an excellent prank I did not commit, and a conversation with my big sister kick-started all this.

See, all those years ago, after lights out, I scrambled out of bed and told the night parent I was heading to speak with my sister. I was told to head back to my cabin, a command that I ignored. My sister and I went for a walk, and I confessed to wanting to end my life. Many of my behaviors and choices were covered because I felt a profound sense that life wasn't worth living. My sister, grieving the same father I was, did not judge, did not attempt to solve, but listened. It reminded me so much of my talks with my father that, for a night, a lot of my unhealthy thoughts got quiet.

The compassion and understanding my sister showed me that night was something I realized I wanted to gift to others over time. In our darkest moments, are we lucky enough to bump into people who get it? People who offer help, a way out, or just a moment to stem the tide of the worst thoughts we can think of. I'm now less than a month away from turning 42. It's been decades since that moment, but realizing how tough it was to get to the point of asking for help and having my cry for help be so accepted by another human being has profoundly impacted my life.

My sister and I discussed this moment from her point of view this past week on vacation. Again, she reminded me of my dad, how she brushed it off like it was no big deal. Saving lives and changing the trajectory of people's lives is always a big deal. She was doing what older siblings do for their young siblings: protecting, navigating, guiding, and hopefully being someone they can go to when they are struggling. My family has a lot of strong character traits; being loving and mushy is not one of them. But one thing has always been crystal clear to me, even all these years later. I can talk to my big sister about life and get the best advice.