How Becoming Curious Challenged Me To Become Better?

How Becoming Curious Challenged Me to Become Better

John Paul Derryberry

I walked into a room a couple of weeks ago and a staff member jokingly said to me, “Oh here comes the challenger.” I gave a puzzled look and they replied with, "It’s never yes or no with you; it’s always another question to get us to think more". My immediate reaction was a small chuckle and I told the staff, "You have my father to thank for that. That guy rarely gave a straight answer and was always reframing everything: to get you to think more about life; your role; how you want to interact; how you want to grow; or to re-examine your choices. It was his way of teaching. For the record, I hated it. It was so annoying to not get a straight answer, and yet here I am, all these years later, deploying the same tactic. 

My dad didn’t live long enough for me to ask him why he used questions so often with us, but the man liked to learn and be curious about stuff. He was a wealth of random knowledge, something he never minded showing off. My guess was, being curious was the way his brain operated at all times.

I was not wired that way. I was just tell me what I need to know so I can move on to the next thing. I had to earn my curiosity the hard way, by thinking I had it all figured out until failure after failure relieved me of the notion I had anything figured out. I’m stubborn, it’s a trait woven into every Derryberry I know. Yet, all these years later, I had turned into my father. Maybe it was destiny, but I had to ask the follow up question to this staff, "Well, is it okay that I go about things that way?"

The response floored me; "At first it was annoying; sometimes you just want the answer and to move along with life. But after being around you and seeing how you work, it comes across as teaching; as a respectful way of saying, there are a bunch of ways to do this job and settling into one way leads to problems".  So apparently, I’m annoying at first, but after a while people warm up to how I interact with the world. Just like dear old dad. I’ll try to damper the annoying parts if we ever meet.

My transformation into a curious person stemmed from realizing how my stubbornness was holding me back and a desire to challenge myself to get better. A quest for knowledge started, as I watched one of my closest friends go back to school and pursue a PhD. He had this glow about him when they discussed learning stuff in depth, about traveling and experience new cultures, and about how much we don’t know about what we don’t know. It sparked a conversation with myself about why I wasn’t curious or challenging myself. 

The answer was fear, I worried I would find myself inadequate, unable to find that spark, or worse not smart enough to understand what I was processing. To embrace a curious nature about life is to tie yourself to very few hardened rules. It’s about changing your mind, saying out loud: maybe there is a better way or a better version of my life out there, but also not losing yourself along the way.

What I can tell you from my experience is: I found myself out there, not tethered to always being right, but figuring out what is the correct way to do things and how many correct ways I can find to do them. There is always more than one healthy way to do just about every action we engage in.  And oftentimes the answer we seek in one area, we can find while exploring another topic we are curious about. Most of my behavior interventions, that have had the deepest impact on my staff or clients, probably are not found in any college level social-work book. So from my dad, to my friend, the curious path is the way I hope most of you choose to engage. I’m sure my dad is smiling because I became a curious human. I’m just glad I don’t have to hear, "I told you so," because that was always more annoying that his non-answer answers.