Depth Matters

Depth Matters

John Paul Derryberry

The depth of a smartphone screen is 7mm. The depth of the Iowa River I have been floating now for 23 years varies from a few feet to a few inches. The changes in depth often have our group shouting, “butts up,” as we go over some unfriendly rocks. All that proves is depth matters, whether it’s an unfriendly rock or the thickness of a smartphone screen. New research has emerged as intelligent people attempt to figure out why we are in a loneliness epidemic and figure out ways to create real connection in a world set on 15-second interactions.  This is not a lecture on get your head out of your screen, because I’m just as guilty as anyone. Yet it is a reminder that depth matters- whether you are using the smallish depth of a smartphone to correct or doomscroll, or whether you know the importance of a 23-year camping/float trip with friends that you knew way back when.

The legitimate reason I bring this up is that I spend the majority of my adult life reconnecting people to their community. A journey that has led me many places and to meeting a wide spectrum of people.  Every relationship turnaround my teams were able to achieve centered on understanding the depth of the problem, creating a real connection, and recognizing there was no fast way to improve a life. Every major relationship in my own life that adds to existence has been centered on the depth of knowing each other, the authentic version of each other. The faults, the good parts, the stuff we do not want the general public to know. That’s real connection, but that takes depth; that takes not turning away at the first sign of emotional turmoil.

I get the pull to not let people see the real you. I spent a majority of my 20s not really wanting people to know the real me, minus the guys I floated with all those years. Now, into year 23 of floating, and nearly 44 years of circling the sun, I find a lot of comfort in interacting with those guys. They know my strengths, they know my faults, they can crack a joke at my expense, and I will laugh because it's funny and true. It hits in the depths of my soul. Most people avoid that type of connection today, chasing a 15-second high with someone new, instead of the slow burn of the familiar. Rather have millions know us at the surface level than 10 people know us to the depths that can only be found in the ocean.

If we want to connect and move away from being a lonely society again, we must enter into the time-honored tradition of getting to people at depths that scare us. To do the work, to know when the relationship ends, it will hurt, to have to change your opinion on a topic because someone knows you well enough to present the information you need to hear in a way that will hit home for you. It’s rare, but also precious. It can’t be found doom scrolling; it can’t be found bounding from relationship to relationship; its real connection is found in the depths of our minds, souls, and lives that few of us seem to be willing to navigate today.  Depths matter, and with all the technology we have at our disposal today, we can have the type of depth that connects us to others and has us never feeling lonely again.