Sunday Night With John: Gender Rolls

Gender Rolls

John Paul Derryberry

I pulled into our driveway and saw one wooden plank had popped out of place. A house-fixing project had arrived, and as the man of the house, I knew it was my duty to get things fixed. So I sauntered into the house and said to my wife, "Honey, that board on our front porch has popped out of place again. Can you fix it?" I watched my wife retrieve the drill and screw down the board. Problem solved, and I retained my super-manly card even though I have very little knowledge of how to use a drill correctly, or the desire to want to use one.

That's the way things occur in our household dynamics. The typical gender roles are flipped. My wife does the heavy lifting with tools and projects, while I protect my dainty hands safely on the inside. I tend to take the lead on the emotional heavy lifting, except when the roles aren't flipped, and I'm the one mowing the lawn, and my wife is watching the Hallmark Christmas Movie Marathon. How can we tell which one is the male and which one is the female? It's all so confusing. Breaking down gender roles into stereotypes does not make a convincing or compelling argument, but still, I feel we have to start there. We are just at the beginning stage of deconstructing and understanding masculinity and femininity outside our centuries-old constructs.

If we, in general, are confused about gender roles, it is doubly difficult for transgender people who have to deal with gender identity, as well as prescribed gender roles. It does not help the general public is significantly lagging when it comes to understanding gender identity, sexuality, and gender fluidity. Our society still can't come to grip with working moms, how is it supposed to comprehend a male wanting to be a female or vice versa. So I started with gender roles, but that remains the shallow end of this pool. Answering the deep end questions means understanding we are still learning and not all of have or understand the answers.

Does your body make you a specific gender?

Does your gender, as assigned at birth, mean you have to act in certain ways as prescribed by your society?

About the only questions I can answer with any accuracy today is will I screw up some part of gender identity, sexuality, or roles while writing? That answer is yes, but I forge ahead because we have to learn from our mistakes.

We make poor choices out of confusion, misunderstanding, fear, and never wanting to engage in nuanced conversations about what it means to be male and female biologically but not emotionally and mentally. You can count on one thing with the human race. If we are confused by it, it must be wrong, and it must be stopped. Hence, the policy change, proposed by the Trump Administration, making gender designation at birth immutable, rendering transgender discrimination challenging to change.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/21/us/politics/transgender-trump-administration-sex-definition.html

We can bury the conversation with a policy change, dismiss these brave people, and stick with our 1950s definitions of what it means to be a Man and what it means to be a Woman if we want to suck at being human.

Policy changes will not make these definitions disappear, either from our thoughts or our actions. These purposed changes just allow certain people to act cowardly. We have learned that telling people with depression to be happy is about the worst thing you can do. We now understand that the tragedies and trauma of war return home with the soldiers. We know the feelings that transgender people have about being born in the wrong gendered body will not go away. They will anguish alone, afraid to find their true selves. Let's not forget to mention the detail that they are victims of the most significant number of violent crimes per capita committed yearly in our country.

I have never wanted to be a woman, but I have had people question my manhood. It is a vivid, loud memory. I was entering 7th grade, and I decided not to sign up for football. It just didn't feel like my thing. The coach saw me at a basketball event during the summer months and asked if I was too chicken to play. He asked if I did not want to be a man. He meant well. He wanted me to participate in a team sport with my friends, but he used a trick that we are still using, questioning manhood, questioning gender. It made me feel less than, not good enough. This interaction has to be microscopic compared to what Transgender people have gone through in their lives. Gender identity is confusing and complicated for those of us lucky to be born into a body we find comfort in.

For decades, we have discussed gender roles in society. I hope that those conversations switch to how gender runs along a spectrum, from male to female, in varying degrees in all humans. I always have and do still feel like a man, but I have had my nails painted to bond with females, I have been providing social services, too. Heck, once myself and friends were in trouble for poor paperwork and general goofing off at work. We dressed up as our boss, who happened to be female and came to the disciplinary meeting in hopes of making her laugh so we could get out of trouble. So, I have spent at least one, one-hour meeting dressed as a female.

Does that make me 97% man and 3% female? I have no clue. Do I screw up the pronouns the transgender community uses? Absolutely! They confuse me something awful. Do I work better to understand them? Absolutely! Do I know the debate about which bathroom to use -- the one for your biological gender or the one for your identified gender? Yes, I get it from both sides. The next time there is a home improvement project will I defer to my wife? Yes, because these hands are too delicate for that type of work. Gender roles and identities are out-dated and need to be flushed. Transgender people are exploring who they are and trying to become the best version of a human they can become. And that's a journey I know all too well. I wish them safe travels and a sanctuary in my company. When they need my companionship, they get it, no matter what the policy says.