Sunday Night With John: Philosophy, Goat, White Water, My Dark Side, and Peace

Goat, our white water river guide, had just revealed he was a Philosophy and Religion major in college. My brother, sister-in-law, wife, and nephew erupted in laughter; I could only chuckle, and shake my head. I replied to Goat I was a fellow Philosophy and Religion major. Goat immediately asked if I had a real job and the laughter grew. The beautiful Pigeon River was winding us through the breath taking Smoky Mountains and my brother whispered, “You may have found your spirit brother.”

I filled Goat in on the professions I have held over the last ten years: A public speaker, a leader at a rehabilitation center for teens, and now a Behavior Support Specialist for dependent adults and teens. Goat asked how I got into those professions. As I filled him in on my life events that lead me down a path to help others, he asked if a Philosophy and Religion major helped in those areas. As we paddled through class 2 rapids I explained that it taught me to question everything, including myself. Something I wasn’t able to do when I struggled with the deaths of people very close to me. When I was engulfed with the dark side of my personality, the anger monster blazed a path of hate filled speech through my family and others in my life.

At my last talk, a strapping, muscly, young, good-looking man came up to me. He asked me to take a step away from table to chat, he was nervous and image conscious.  His eyes darted around the room before we whispered a question, “Does it ever fully go away?” I asked him to clarify what he meant. He began to choke up and fight back tears and said a little louder this time, “Does your dark side ever go away fully?” I smile at the question because I know exactly what he is talking about.

As he wiped away tears I assure him my dark-side, my anger, is still capable of rearing its ugly head. Anyone in recovery can tell you they are a couple of mistakes away from returning to the person the used to be. I won’t say I worry about my anger returning but I will say I actively protect myself against ever allowing the dark side of my personality to dominate me again. I surround myself with a great support system, I communicate my anger quickly so it doesn’t have a chance to gain steam, I laugh often, I take full breaths, and when my family cracks jokes about my Philosophy major I take it in stride knowing my desire to question everything polishes me forward.

We finished our river trip, thanked Goat for being a great guide and continued on with our vacation.  The rest of the trip was filled with a laugher; running up and down a mountain with my nephew, playing games, zip lining, and a cheesy dinner theater performance. My family has definitely felt the worst of my personality during my years of struggle. I feel it in our history and our interactions. We have healed and but no scar disappears completely.  My mom and I share a hug to say good-bye and as I hug her she begins to cry. In the moment I realize she is crying because the vacation is over and her time with all her kids together has come and gone. In the hug I think about the young man worrying about his dark side returning, I think about Goat, philosophy, and questioning everything, I think about my dark side, how this trip has created memories protecting me from ever returning to the person I used to be, and how my family and I have lessened the scars of our past interactions. As we end our embrace my answer to the young mans inquiry about the dark side of our personality clears. The dark parts of our personality never disappear, but they can shrink, lessen and move further away from the forefront of who we are. We can never erase what we did when we were at our worst, but we can heal, we can become a better person, and we can come to peace with knowing we are more than our dark side, even if that means we can connect with odd-duck river guide named, Goat. His office view is better then mine, maybe Goat is on to something.  I wonder if they are accepting applications?