Lean Into The Bow Tie

Lean Into The Bow Tie

John Paul Derryberry

I was getting ready to interview for my current position about 8 years ago. I walked out of the room I was changing in, wearing a regular tie. I asked my wife how I looked in my suit. She said, "You look great," but then asked, “Why not a bow tie?” I shrugged in confusion. She said, "What if, for the first time at a job, you were yourself during the interview process?" I changed into a bow tie, got through the first round, wore one for the second round, and landed the job. I’ve been able to be completely myself at this job from the start. Leaning into who I am during the interview allowed me to be myself from day one.

It was an eye-opening experience for me. I’m far from perfect and have my idiosyncrasies, but I have always been successful in social work and storytelling. I build great relationships with people under my care. I’ve struggled more with colleagues, possibly because I wasn’t fully embracing who I am. I remember being told that you have to be more serious to be taken seriously as a leader, and that I goof around too much. But I found success with my clients by making hard topics lighter through laughter, stories, and goofiness. Why not bring that to leadership? Turns out my wife was right: leaning into the bowtie really meant leaning into myself.  

I understand things need improvement. Advice like 'just be more of who you are' can seem simplistic. Much of this is due to cultural norms that tell us to be someone else, when in truth, most people are fine as they are. Of course, if you’re planning on hurting others, this advice doesn’t apply. But for most, getting comfortable with strengths and weaknesses can create a happier, healthier world. When we’re comfortable with ourselves, change feels like growth instead of a threat.

I have learned my goofiness makes my staff feel big things are possible. My storytelling and communication encourage growth. Taking care to explain things and listening builds confidence that their ideas matter. Being comfortable with myself has unlocked opportunities for others. I’ve also learned to slow down; not everyone moves fast. I see others’ burdens more because I’m less worried about how I’m perceived.

We tend to be a culture of constant growth and consistent focus on our weaknesses. Always focusing on what we are not, instead of what we are. I know that leads to some very difficult internal dialogue for people to navigate daily. Causing us to focus on the wrong people and the wrong positive attributes we bring to the table. Causing us to not be ourselves, and then regretting it when the situation is over. We also say, I wish I had been more myself.  I’m never going to be perfect, but leaning into the bow-tie allowed for some big roadblocks to clear for me. Turns out I was in my own way, because I was scared to lean into myself. I’m not perfect, nor is anyone reading this, but most of us would feel a heck of a lot better being comfortable with who we are, instead of chasing some perfect version that will never exist anyway. Lean into you, and see where it takes you.