Sunday Night With John: Me Me Me

Me Me Me

John Paul Derryberry

"Any questions?" I asked the audience of teens during my portion of the conference at least 10 years ago. About 150 teens sat in front of me and listened to my, "I Don't Fit the Mold," presentation. They were all identified by my least favorite social work label, "At-Risk."

A sheepish girl in the back raised her hand and asked, "How do you find the courage to share the worst parts of you with the world?" It was a profoundly deep question. One I felt she asked because she was struggling with how to become comfortable with her own worst parts.

My answer at first was about how I selfishly began sharing my story. It was a way for me to heal, to connect with others who were hurting, a way to get a pat on the back about how I had escaped my demons. It was all about me, me and me again. I shared with the audience that, if the only place you go during your recovery process is the selfish route, you have learned nothing.  I told her I wasn't proud when I had this realization and I also told her that my presentations suffered because of it. If you share your story for selfish reasons, it will only help you. We have many community leaders, presenters, entertainers, and acquaintances who only look to better themselves.

Either people pick up on the fact that you are only there for selfish reasons, or, they find out later. Either way, you have destroyed your credibility and any changes or improvements they had made based on your advice crumbles.  I explained to this girl that healing and sharing for selfish reason was something I had to put behind me. Selfishness is the basis for a lot of what is wrong in American culture. We spoon feed everyone that they should take care of themselves first, second, and third.  It's why we are so damn unhappy because we are feeding a bottomless pit of making me feel good. And, who cares about anyone else?

When I finished my explanation of why I could no longer share selfishly, she asked how I had moved to the point of making my presentation and my history an unselfish experience. I smiled because I knew the answer to this question was the core of my shared experience talk.  I said I had changed because I realized what made my relationship with my father and Eric so profoundly amazing was that selfishness was not present within them. I told the audience that all of the great connections in my life have blossomed because both people agreed to make it about the other person and the shared experience.  That meant every presentation I give has to be an unselfishly shared exchange.

The me, me, me culture is based on fear, fear that our fellow humans will let us down again and again. We avoid that hurt by only caring about ourselves, by continually acting in selfish ways. I cared about Eric and my father, and I want to share them with the world. And, I want the world to share their Erics with me. We must move beyond ourselves and embrace the sad reality that some people will let us down, but not all. And the pursuit of finding the people, moments, and memories that build us up comes through ditching our selfish ways.