Sunday Night With John: Notes of Not Self Doubt

Notes of Not Self Doubt 

John Paul Derryberry 

It’s five minutes before I go on stage to present Chase the Invisible in front of 500 students. I’m calm, I'm prepared, and ready for this opportunity. I finish my pre-talk routine by pulling out a thank-you note my brother wrote years ago after I was in his wedding. He wrote to me stating that he'd picked the best man he knew. This is a constant reminder before every talk that I’m worthy enough to take the stage in front of diverse and ever-changing audiences. It’s not just the message, it’s the time it takes to pen a handwritten note in our go-go world. It’s the feel of the texture of the card. And, it’s a homemade keepsake that is harder to come by as we move online.

When we choose a path to take, there often is a lingering doubt, even if we are confident we have made the correct choice. There are questions rolling in our head.  Am I worthy of this type of responsibility? Do I deserve this level of happiness, and countless other questions about our personal makeup. These doubts can cause our fear to overcome our ambition. Having reminders stashed around us from people who love, believe in us, and push us to reach our better selves allows us to have support in overcoming those fears. Years ago, as I debated really pushing to be a public speaker, my brother gave me the biggest push and said, “If you can’t bet on your brother to change lives, who can you bet on.” His note has been in my bag ever since I wiped away the tears after reading it for the first time. I still read it every time before I go on stage.

It’s not the only note I have stashed away in my life. My wife’s and my vows are still tucked away in the inside pocket of the suit I wore on my wedding day. Whenever I wear that suit, I find a space away from the crowd to read our vows and remember that she is my biggest fan. The flood of warm, loving feelings washes over me as I realize just how lucky am I to have a wife who believes so deeply in me.

I have two notes tucked away in my wallet.  One is a recent note from my mom about my finishing graduate school and how proud not just she, but my father, is of me. I cry every time I read it. It feels amazing to know your parents are proud of the person you have become. Maybe the most important note was from an employee who watched me work day in and day out with at-risk youth. I have folded and unfolded this note so many times, when I struggle with the tough emotional lifting I do for a living, that I recently had to tape it back together. I get to hold onto a piece of paper from someone who has no stake in my success and read they feel  my ability to connect with at-risk youth is unmatched. That type of statement is the ultimate self-doubt eraser.

No matter our age, no matter our profession, and no matter how many successes we have under our belt, doubt creeps in. We need reminders and people telling us, do not stop. We need people crafting the words to spur us on, to give us a keepsake, a piece of themselves to block out the doubts. We need to take care of those notes and cards because, while to some it’s nothing special, to the writer it’s a piece of their heart and to the person receiving the note it’s proof that you are worthy.