Step One: Show Up

Step One: Show Up

John Paul Derryberry

I'm sitting in my mom's house in Cortland, Ohio. I came home for a surprise visit to just hang with my mom for a weekend. It was/is long overdue. Life gets hectic; we all get busy doing other stuff, and a bunch of plans I made with my family in Ohio have fallen through the last 3-to-4 months. It happens because life happens; we live a long way apart, lead busy lives, and our goals don't always align. There is nothing unhealthy about this; the best advice I received from my father was, once you are 18, it's your life to go live; please go live it. In some sense, this is what life is, bounding from one moment to the next, trying to allocate the time we get during our life span. It's a choice that significantly impacts our overall enjoyment during our lifespan.

Yet a couple of notable themes in my time stick out as essential for navigating this situation. And while I often talk about my dad's advice and what it meant to my life, there is an influence in my life from my mom. It's probably one of my best skills because it's her best skill. As far back as I can remember, my mom has attended our activities, classrooms, games, significant events, and celebrations. Even occurring well into our adulthood. A calm feeling washes over you when you see your people show up for you.

It's why, when my kindergartener had her first classroom party, I cleared the hour off my work calendar and was a room parent for the afternoon. Seeing her light up when I walked in was probably the same way I lit it up when my mom showed up, all those years ago, for me. It's a simple skill: showing up. It's probably why so many trip over it, or don't do it. It's so easy that we forget its importance. It's why when hard choices occur when I'm a leader, I walk around our buildings and talk with people. They need to see me and know I showed up to face the music of my choice. They might disagree with me, but they will know I will show up and talk with them about it.

Showing up lowers hurt feelings, creates opportunities for conversations, and displays a crucial non-verbal sign of caring for others. It speaks to the elegant and simple beauty of showing up: I care about you. It's something my wife will say is why she loves me; she will tell people, John shows up for me. It's one of the reasons I love my group of friends; they show up a lot. It's a partially proven plan to have healthy relationships. There are other behaviors we have to work through once we show up, but it's often the most critical step. My mother's ability to show up created in me a back-of-the-mind set-in-stone thought that anyone worth having in your life would show up. Not all the time, not every time, but often enough to communicate that they care. Showing up is often step one in a healthy relationships- we would all do better if realized the power of showing up!