The Flip Side To Stubbornness

The Flip Side to Stubbornness

John Paul Derryberry

I once witnessed a stubborn off so annoyingly funny that it has been woven into the family Derryberry lore, in a house that was always hazy due to the amount of smoking by many members of the elder Derryberrys. My aunt was visiting from whatever country her husband was stationed in at the time, and she chose to sit in the chair my dad always did.  My dad, not known for his flexibility, wanted her to give up the seat, and as a little sister, even well into adulthood, I wasn't going to pass up a chance to poke my big brother.  For the next 6 hours, my dad sat on the armrest of the chair while my aunt refused to move.  We would only see my aunt once this year, and for about six hours that stubbornness would go on. The only reason it ended was that my mom finally declared it was time to go home; I was probably tired and getting whiny. My dad stood up, his little sister won the stubbornness off, and then darted to the bathroom.

It’s safe to say the stubborn gene runs strong in our family. And while there are pros to being stubborn, not getting duped by others, not falling for scams because you think you are always right. There is a lot of downside to being stubborn, to always having to do things your way or follow your point of view.  Or worse, never bending for the sake of a healthy relationship.  I remember being stubborn about food, and then I met my wife; while it is weird to admit, something as mundane as pepper jelly opened up my stubborn palate to how amazing different foods can be.  We often use our stubbornness as a protective layer in life; if I only do things my way, I’m lessening the chance of getting hurt. Yet there is a long-lasting sacrifice in never finding a balance between standing firm in who you are and allowing flexible thinking with people who have earned your trust.

The flip side to stubbornness is a wonderful place of exploration, happiness, joy, excitement, all the things that make life worth it. I get that being on the flip side of stubbornness and becoming flexible can bring disappointment, sadness, and failure. Heck, I know that’s why I was stubbornly stubborn for so long. I couldn't risk the hurt again, but not risking hurt and vulnerability means living a life full of regrets, lacking discovery and wonder, and, most importantly, connection. Connection is baked into flexible thinking. Some of the best moments of my life were dropping my guard and believing someone you love when they were correct in their advice, even if I disagreed, or when they were right about an action we should take for our relationship, even if it weren't an action I wanted to take. It’s hard but worth it.

In fact, I should not describe myself as so stubborn anymore. I live in a town I would never have lived in if I had remained stubborn. Yet, life has never been better. I started my journey in social work very stubbornly, yet as I have become more malleable, I have had a greater impact on those suffering. More importantly, I have convinced those who were stubbornly against social work to become more supportive of it. I have a friend group whose presonalities have all made me better because I felt safe enough to explore who I wanted to be around them. I distinctly remember a specific conversation where a friend pointed out that my best quality was my drive to do better, which I didn't know was something people thought about with me.

I don’t want this advice to come across as you should lose yourself by constantly being flexible about everything. Nope, there are tent poles of beliefs in life we must learn not to let go of, or we won’t discover who we are. It is about understanding that if you love and care for someone, you can be flexible enough to consider their point of view without shooting it down. They may have a better view of the problem than you do; they may, in fact, know you or the situation in your relationship a smidge better than you do. Or you may have seen them become flexible for you, and returning the favor would strengthen the joy and excitement in whatever relationship you have with them.  Maybe the trick to living with as little regret as possible is to be stubbornly flexible with the people who care about you most. Because a life lived through stubborn thinking is small but protective. Yet a life lived with some flexible thinking takes you places where you get to figure out so much more, and it provides happiness and joy to those around you.