Sunday Night With John: 14, 21, 24 These aren't Lotto Numbers

14, 21, 24 aren’t my lucky lotto numbers.  They are the ages my Dad’s three children were when he passed away.  My sister, Crystal was 24, my brother, David was 21, and I was 14 years young.  With ten years between us, the shock of our dad’s death affected each of us differently and we have carried the changes his death made each of us go through.  From time to time, I encounter people who wonder if I’m really over my dad’s death and ask questions of when I think people overcome these tragic events.  I have always maintained the thought that when tragedy happens to us in life, we must acknowledge life has changed and work toward healing.  I also know that years later there will still be moments where you’ll say, I wish that didn’t happen, I wish I had five more minutes with that person, shed a tear over a memory, or realize there might be a bunch of situations I’m not aware of that you’ll face.

I asked my sister and brother to share those moments with me this week as now we are 31, 38, and 41 and the moments when we miss our father have shifted to different areas. I contacted my sister who is now 41, with two children who didn’t have the pleasure of meeting our dad, their grandfather. My sister said “I would say John, it’s those bitter sweet moments at this stage in life when I see dad in my kids, I see them think and act the way our dad did. I get the privilege of seeing glimpses of him in them, which is fun but sad due to the fact they never got to know him. He never got to meet them and share his knowledge with them, or should I say talk at them from his "chair." I know he would be proud of them and they know because I tell them but it’s not the same as hearing it from our Dad. “

I could tell my sister wants to share our dad with her kids in a way that they would understand how much our dad helped us think, process and problem solve life. My sister is the pillar of calm and collectedness in our family, and hearing her talk about my nephew and niece missing out on our dad all together tugged at my heartstrings. It makes sense though, Crystal had the most time with him and was already married and well into her adult life. My sister’s bittersweet moments revolve around our dad performing his last duty in her life, being a grandparent.

Next up was my brother, who shares very little with the world, but when I asked the question about when was that moment he wishes he had dad, he stated one came to mind quick.  My brother said, “There was a moment when I was running my own business, growing my relationship with my wife, and learning how to be a father and I didn’t think I was doing any three of them correctly because I didn’t have enough time. I would have loved to reach out to Dad and hear how he balanced all of that.” Dave went on to say he feels like he and Dad made it to being friends and he understood what made our Dad cool because of the conversations he had with him from 18-21, which were different than the father and son talks I experienced. My brother is the most confident one in our family and it was crystal clear he valued Dad’s knowledge and his moment of wanting five more minutes was because Dad was a guy he trusted to share with.

Then there is me, and as I talked with my sister and brother our age difference is most telling when matters of Dad come up.  I struggled the most with dad dying do to my youthful age and my bittersweet moments have all been wanting to show Dad what I have achieved, how I carved out a life without him, and how I built a support system that includes mom, Crystal, Dave, friends and now Anne, my fiancée.  I never got to show Dad I could take his lessons, apply them, and find my own way. That’s what teens want to do, show their parents they can do it on their own.  I am the wildcard in our family as they have all stated and they don’t know what to expect when I call or show up for a visit. Maybe that’s why I seek out achievements because I missed time with Dad.  Maybe I’m attempting to not miss any more emotional moments.

After talking with Crystal and Dave this week I was reaffirmed that we don’t get over tragic events.  We either learn to grow, better ourselves from them, and embrace the bittersweet moments, or the event defines us. How do I know Crystal, Dave and I have embraced those moments?  Because Crystal continues to mold her family, Dave continues to balance his business, his wife, and his kid, and I continue grow and achieve and that would make Dad proud.