Sunday Night With John: How To Save A Life

The phone rang and it was an unusual number. This is not uncommon in my life because I have speaking engagements all over the country. While I always answer, sometimes I answer very hesitantly wondering who is on the other end. My hesitant hello turned into a boisterous and loud, "how the heck are you doing," when I heard the voice of one of my former clients from a teen rehab center.  He was calling with an update six years in the making. Nearly two years of my life was dedicated to being this individual’s advocate. To say that he carved out a nice soft part in my heart would be an understatement. As a caregiver, you are not supposed to have favorites. But, how could I not just pull for a kid who was into the same comic books as me, who played the same superhero video games, and, who even got hooked on my favorite TV show at the time, "Chuck".

All these updates go one way or the other. The first way is great. They are in college, have graduated high school, have a job, or, are back with their family. In some way, shape, or form, they are better, happier and, at least, are at peace with the abuse they endured when they were younger. The other way these updates can go is the rip-your-heart-out kind, because they are calling from jail, rehab, or a homeless shelter. And, they thought you would be the only one who would answer their call. To be so alone in life that the only person you have to call is someone from a youth center staff, with whom you spent one year of your teenage life, is a sad state. I braced for being really happy and proud or for being supportive. No matter how far removed I am from my former clients' lives, I always play the role of supportive guide. I never act disappointed. I am always curious and attempt to be understanding about the life situation they are in at the time. This is the job of anyone in the business of attempting to help people change their lives. We know it will be a lifelong battle. We know we will have some success. And, we know we will have failure -- bitter, hard-to-swallow-failure. So I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst when I asked, "how are you doing?".

Before we get to his answer, let’s take a trip down intervention memory lane. I was on my A-game with this individual. I remember working on a comic book together. I remember teaching him how to do a little ballroom dancing. I remember teaching him the, Who's on First, Abbott and Costello routine. I remember I relating certain behaviors he exhibited to the the TV show, "Chuck". When he asked about my college major, I told him it was  philosophy.  Then, after hearing an explanation of philosophy, he wanted in. I found this series of books relating philosophy to pop culture topics, such as "Harry Potter", "The Simpsons", and "The Lord of the Rings". We would read and discuss. This is how you save a life. You engage, challenge, connect, and make it fun. Even though he sucker punched me once, when I told him he was better than his recent behaviors, he found his way through my program. I couldn’t have been prouder.

Now, let's come back to my phone call. After I finished asking how he was doing, I got the best response. “John,” he said “I’m doing great. I finished college and I’m a nursing assistant right now.”  With the hard part out of the way, I now asked what I did to help him so much. What did I do to help save a life? I just knew he would mention the philosophy books, the ballroom dancing, or "Chuck". He didn’t mention any of those things. He told me a story about this one day when we were on the swings, discussing life, and he revealed his sexuality. He said he was nervous because he felt admitting his sexuality to me out loud was a huge, life-changing moment. My elegant response to him disclosing his sexuality that day was, “I do not care who you kiss, as long as you get consent. You are a good person.” He said that showed him that the only thing I cared about was the character of a person. And, he wanted to be a person of good character. He said my response made him realize how committed I was to him overcoming his bad start.  He realized that he needed to overcome his hang ups about trusting people, and, to understand that some people will care about him as a person. That’s the moment he decided trusting me would be the best decision he could make. He began allowing me to help him turn his life around. The funny thing is, he asked me if I remembered this conversation. And, while I remember a number of conversations with him during the time he was in our program, I did not remember this one. My moment, my proud moment, that changed everything for him, didn’t even register with me.

That’s the thing. There is no handbook for saving lives from emotional, social, and relationship hell. There are no steps. There is no one, true technique. All there is, is being constantly genuine, honest and caring.  What we can do is throw all the good energy and won’t-give-up attitude at them and hope for the best. Hope something sticks with them. Hope to get more good phone call updates than bad. Hope to hear on the other end, “Thank you, John, for changing my life.”  What I have learned from all these years of trying to save lives, is, there are no rules for it. But, it is the best job in the world.

I received permission from the individual in this story to share our story. I kept the name and the sexuality he revealed to me private because that is the responsible choice to make. Thank you for reading and sharing my blog. Take care and share emotions because emotions matter.