Sunday Night With John: Me vs. Me

Sunday Night With John: The Showdown, Me vs. Me!

Last year I ran a half marathon in 1 hour, 43 minutes and 51 seconds. It was my first attempt at running a half marathon as fast as I could. It’s an odd concept to not only pace your self to last 13.1 miles yet push yourself as fast as possible for those 13.1 miles. It’s a microcosm of how every battle we face is really only with ourselves. We are always juggling between the one voice in our brain that encourages us to be our best selves and the other voice that tells us to give in and tells you, you can’t do it.

Today I attempted my second half marathon with the goal of crossing the finish line at 1 hour, 39 minutes and 59 seconds. I warmed up on a side street that was block from traffic. I reviewed in my head the benchmarks that I had to hit to make my goal possible. I needed to complete the first five miles in less than 36 minutes and 8 miles in under an hour, which even with all my training I haven’t completed yet.  I’m hoping the camaraderie and the adrenaline of the race will carry me to a faster time.  I have hiked, biked, and run 950 miles to prep for this race. I feel confident as I slide into the mass of runners at the start line.

As the starting horn sounded the mass of runners begins to disperse and I finally cross the start, about twenty seconds behind the official start time.  Mile one begins weaving in and out of other runners and the voices kick in already.  One says get off to a great start and the other says don’t burn yourself out too quick. In this instant they are both right. As I cross the first mile marker they shout the time: 6:43.  I couldn’t have run a better first mile.

I settle into a pace and begin to turn out mile 2 and 3. I pass some people and others pass me. I remind myself over and over again to run my race and not worry about others. I’m not running against them, I’m running against last year’s time.  I see Anne, my wife as I turn away from the 5k runners who were entering their final kick. Anne’s cheers inspire me to pick up the pace for a little while as turn past her. I really feel like I’m hitting a good stride as I pass mile marker 3 I hear 20:56.

I won’t see Anne again until the finish line and hearing her encouragement shut up the voice that tells me to slow down for a while.

At mile marker 6 I hear 44:16 and I give a fist bump as I realize I have 15 minutes and 44 seconds to run two more miles.  The voice that says I can do this gets louder as a very confused mile marker volunteer is still probably wondering why I gave a big fist pump not even half way through the race. I hunker down and set my sights on mile marker 8.  Can I get there before 60 minutes?

I continue to push the thoughts of slowing down to the side and keep pace with some faster runners that are catching up with me.  As I begin the climb a women pushing a stroller begins to pass me. Last year when a guy past me pushing a stroller I felt defeated but as this lady past me I was able to chuckle and muttered a tired, “that’s impressive.” I remind myself again that I’m not running against the someone pushing a stroller and I wont focus on her passing me.  I make the turn at the top of the hill and head down the hill toward the 8-mile marker. I begin to question myself thinking, no way I pulled off a 60-minute 8 mile run. I have never been able to do it before. 61 minutes yes, but 60 minutes no. I throw those thoughts out and use the hill to gain steam as I approach the 8-mile marker. The guy calls out times as we pass him and I hear 59 minutes and 54 seconds. I do a heal click in my head as I have just ran my best 8-mile time ever. To quote the immortal movie Dumb and Dumber, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

Mile 9 is hilly and I struggle the first time all race to find a grove and keep pace. The doubts creep in and the voice to slow down gets louder and louder. It asks what’s the point of running a better time than last year? Isn’t running a half marathon enough, why do you have to challenge yourself? It’s tough to block the thoughts out because part of the voice is enticing. It’s the truth. I will get no reward for beating my time or for meeting my goal other than my own personal satisfaction.  As I cross mile marker 9 and they call out 1 hour, 8 minutes and 15 seconds I realize that my poor mile might cancel out my great first 8 miles.

I now face a choice. Hunker down, re-focus and push myself to a better pace? Or accept that I can run the pace I need for 8 miles and enjoy the last 4 miles. We all face adversity when we challenge ourselves.  No goal is ever achieved without a gut-check moment. It’s what separates achieving goals and not achieving goals, navigating the gut-check moments.

So, in my stubborn streak, I leaned toward re-focusing and at mile marker 10, I was back on track with a time of 1 hour and 16 minutes flat. I’m back on track with a tough fought mile. It feels good weaving my way through the streets heading home. Passing mile 11, I was on track and hit mile 12 at 1 hour, 32 minutes and 29 seconds. I have 7 minutes and 30 seconds left to complete this goal. My muscles are struggling. I have never ran this fast for this long.  There is one last big climb and then a long down hill to the finish. The only thing that stands between the finish line and me is the last big hill. As I begin the ascent, I feel my legs tired and worn. I focus as best I can but I can feel my pace slipping. I reach the top of the hill almost knowing that it has been my undoing but I pick up my pace down the hill toward the finish line.

I cross the finish line at 1 hour, 41 minutes and 37 seconds, and with the twenty or so seconds it took my to start I ran some where in the range of 1 hour, 41 minutes 17 seconds. A personal record for me but not the 1 hour, 39 minutes and 59 seconds I had hoped for. I gathered my breath, wiped my sweat and hugged Anne, who cheered me on the last quarter of a mile. She asked me how I thought I did and my response was, “I couldn’t have run a better race.” Wait, what? I didn’t meet my goal you’re thinking. Today I didn’t meet my goal but I learned I can run 8 miles in under 60 minutes, I learned that for 12.5 miles I can run the pace I need to run the time I want. Today I moved almost two minutes closer to my goal, and today I re-affirmed that I have the will power to push myself toward any goal I want to tackle in life. That doubting voice in my head won’t be my undoing.  I have a saying that landed me last job, “celebrate every inch of progress.” In the showdown of Me vs. Me I won by overcoming numerous battles today and understand that the war will continue. There are other half marathons to be run and training to do. The voice the rings the loudest today is that it can be done, and that will spur me on.