Thoughts, Emotions, and The Stories We Tell Ourselves
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Thoughts, Emotions and The Stories We Tell Ourselves.
John Paul Derryberry
One week from now, at this time, I will have ice on both my knees, coconut water in my hand, and will be explaining what a marathon is to my two little girls. I will have returned from Des Moines, Iowa, fingers crossed, after completing the grueling race in under 4 hours. That has been the goal since I started running half and full marathons in 2013—train long, hard, and intelligent enough to run 26.2 miles to cross the finish line in 239 minutes and 59 seconds.
In 2015, I failed miserably at this feat on my first attempt in Duluth, Minnesota. I hit a wall at mile 20 and ended up walking more than running the last 6.2 miles and crossing the finishing line in 4 hours and 33 minutes. In 2017, an injury 3 weeks before the race thwarted my second attempt as I crossed the finish line in 4 hours and 5 seconds. So here I sit 7 days from attempt number 3, feeling confident, happy, and telling myself it will happen this time.
And isn't that the crux of life--the thoughts we have, the emotions that permeate our being, and the stories we tell ourselves about what has transpired in our lives? It makes us who we are and creates the narrative we carry with us. I don't particularly enjoy running 26.2 miles in one sitting; it's hard, really hard. It takes every ounce of your fiber to complete the race. Not to mention all the training, plus the extra training, and then add a little more exercise in for luck. The whole ordeal is just exhausting.
Then why come back for the 3rd time, you ask? Because I do enjoy what my long runs strip away from me. All the lies we tell ourselves about life, the thoughts and emotions that are not real, the stories that we have twisted. Most of us make ourselves the victim in our story. Our emotions center around making sure we feel fine, damn the other people in our vicinity. Our thoughts usually come from a self-centered narrative. I deserve to make the most money because I started the business; forgetting to mention that you have no business if none of your employees show up. It was their fault I cheated; they didn't take care of my needs. Well, If I'm unhappy, everyone else in this room needs to be sad. The truth is we aren't always the victim. The world doesn't always line up to ruin our day. The stories of our lives have many characters, and we aren't the main character but for a few short minutes a day. Those are complex realities to swallow, especially in such a look-at-"me" culture we find ourselves swimming in.
At some point in a week during this marathon, I'll hit a point where I won't be able to fake it. Either I have done the training correctly, run an intelligent race, and will have the energy to push towards my goal of a sub-4-hour marathon, or I won't. Unlike our online profiles, our religious beliefs, our work effort, or our dedication to our spouses, you can't fake a marathon. All the little thoughtful lies, minor emotional manipulation, or untrue stories we tell ourselves and those around us, can't outrun what the body is capable of at mile 24.
It's a rare moment, a truth-revealing glimpse of who we are. At that moment, runners get to ask themselves, am I the runner I think I am. There is no one to blame, no one to share excuses with, and no way to emotionally manipulate your legs into turning over faster. Just you versus what you think you can do, versus what you can actually do. It's a beautiful, scary moment, the kind of moment a lot more people should search out.
In my first marathon, I didn't hit a wall. The truth is, I started out too fast and cut my long runs a little short in training. Just as in my real life, I rushed through things, thinking faster was better. In my second marathon, I did get injured, but I used it as a reason to slow down because I wasn't there mentally to grind out the last 6.2 miles. Just like John-in-real-life, mentally, I'll let some things go. It's a good quality because I don't stress much, but it can be my downfall from time to time. When to deploy a strength is a real issue for people.
In 7 days and four-plus years since my second attempt, the third attempt will begin. At some point, I will be stripped of all my superficial thoughts, my unstable feelings, and whatever stories I'm telling myself. After that, it will be down to whether I'm up to the task. But, no matter how it shakes out, I will know a truthful answer about myself. Either I am a guy who can run a marathon in sub-4 hours, or I'm a guy who keeps coming back to try. Either way, it will be good to know the answer because it will be stripped of everything but the truth of who I am. And it's always a good thing to know the truth about ourselves.