Thread the Needle
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Thread The Needle
John Paul Derryberry
Two times this week, I interacted with readers about my "Sunday Night With John" message. One commented that they were a longtime reader and felt it had never been better. Another longtime reader stated that my messages haven't had the same zip behind them as they have in the past. The old adage, you can't please everyone, comes to mind, but something more profound is revealed in these interactions. I have realized that my roles have grown more complex and woven over the years. With that growth, it gets harder to thread the needle between being who we want to be and who we can be, given our current stress level in life. Another essential fact is, who we are to people and what we do for them changes, and we can only sometimes be what others expect of us.
It's easy to say that it's way more complicated to accomplish something that resembles a sense of self. Speaking as a constantly recovering depressive person, the first reader's comment flooded my emotional system with the feel-good that my pattern of thinking craves. I'm fantastic, I help people, and I have readers that love me. My way of thinking longs for that type of feedback. The second interaction did the opposite. It erased all of those positive thoughts. That doesn't mean the first was correct, and my blogs are always better, but it doesn't mean the second person was accurate and they lack the zip they used to. The reality is, as with much of life, that the answer lies somewhere in the middle, and it's a give and take in every relationship we have. Are we hitting the mark on being the person others need us to be and not losing ourselves in that process? It's a tough battle we all fight and attempt to accomplish every day.
If we are too stoic and inflexible, we might lose people we love dearly. If we are too flexible and unattached to who we are, we might lose ourselves along the way. And all of it makes my head hurt, thinking about attempting to thread that needle for every relationship we have. The give and take, push and pull, and the constant question, is this change, adjustment, or the stubbornness of "I won't change," worth it. It amazes me when I see relationships that stand the test of time and learn that dance of give and take. Folks who both know how to be what others need, but also not sacrifice who they are at their core. Whether my writing is improved or has the correct zip is the wrong question, if you are trying to figure this out. The question is, am I pushing myself just enough to be vulnerable and improve but not enough to lose what makes me great.
The real question we all must face as we navigate this act of being what others need, while not losing ourselves, isn't so much about the act. It's about the people we do it with and for. The right people help us, encourage us to figure it out, wait with us when we are stubborn, enable us to do both, make a relationship healthier, and not lose ourselves. The acknowledgment, that feedback about doing things better isn't a blow we cannot recover from, if it comes from people who love us and communicate through love. See, I'm lucky; I have that in spades. My wife, friends, and family all help me navigate being vulnerable and practicing improvement, while also reminding me how far I have come and that they adore me as I am.
It's a good feeling and usually leads to more improvement because I feel vulnerable enough to do that. Whether "Sunday Night With John" is better or has lost a step isn't really the question. Because the answer is both, and that's because I'm better and still figuring out how to be better, which means some weeks it won't have that zip. But that's the point of all this, of life. I am not changing for the sake of change. I have found the correct people to improve for because they still love me when I struggle. And that is the real type of relationship and support a constantly recovering depressive thinker needs. To have people remind me to always believe there will be another day to thread the needle, between who I am and who you need me to be, and how, on most days in this crazy screwed up world, in my relationships with those most important to me, we have threaded that needle.