When Normal Ends
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When Normal Ends
John Paul Derryberry
One of my favorite authors wrote a long time ago that the scariest day of his life was the day after his dreams came true. He poured all his effort into making sure this one event occur in his life, seeing his book in bookstores. He explained he had no clue what to do next, where to focus his effort, and he felt a tremendous amount of grief in the following days. I believe him. I know the feeling: after some big talks, I feel a sense of aimlessness. But I respectfully disagree with that author. The hardest days of anyone's life are when normal dies from tragedy. When the reality sinks in: we are a widow, a rape victim, a victim of abuse, dismissed by loved ones as a failure.
Nothing about our current situation is reasonable and the reality is, nothing will be the same after this. Our way of life is going to fundamentally change. Oh, it will appear to look like ordinary life and might even have the same sights, smells, and sounds of pre-COVID-19. I have the personal experience of having family dinner on Sundays appear to be normal again- yet the familiar voice of my father was missing. It's more important to examine many cases because so many people are going to come out of this life-altering pandemic victims of traumatic experiences.
The saddest, most challenging part of my career is always the moments when the gears click in my clients' heads and they make the realization that they carry a label. They will deny for weeks and months that they are a victim of violence, trauma, and unfortunate circumstances. Eventually, they will sit in a group or a session and finally mouth the words, "I'm a victim." You see all hope leave their body as they realize they are in a place they never wanted to be: lost, confused, and questioning how they ended up here. They had had plans to be something grand, a dancer, a teacher, a lawyer, or a nurse, and now they doubt those dreams can occur.
Some of us, after those experiences, go looking for a normal that doesn't exist anymore. I know I looked for this so-called normal for four years before I realized life had changed. When we go looking for an experience that is now gone forever and start recalibrating our life, the most fascinating things occur. The happiest days of my career are those days because doubt transforms into grit, into determination, into defiance. Yes, I'm a widow and I will connect to others again. Yes, I'm a rape victim and I assist other women in confronting their abusers.
It's these people we need to emulate during this time, the people who have been to the brink of the worst parts of life and returned stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. COVID-19 will have so many things emerge. Some people will be grieving the loss of a loved one. Children will return to school with new bruises from abuse. People will return to work after being locked away with their abuser for months. We will have to assist these people with their new normal. It's never a good feeling to realize your normal has perished, but the fact is, it has. There are tough days ahead, but the best days won't be when a dream comes true. It will be the days when we decide to dream again.