A Compassionate Voice

A Compassionate Voice

Grace Howe

A compassionate voice

Motivational speaker John Derryberry digs below the surface as he shares his life's ups and downs and his goals with his talk.

2018, Waukon, Iowa

Waukon community members of all ages were sitting on solid oak pews, patiently waiting in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Waukon. Almost every pew was full, and whispers echoed through the church. Similar to the April weather, the crowd was gloomy. Their eyes, glued on the large cross in the front of the church. Two large flower bouquets were on each side of the cross, both red. When he made his way to the front of the church, John Derryberry unintentionally lit up the room. with his well-groomed red beard and smile. His eyes crinkled at the edges and the corners of his lips turned upward. The ceiling lights lit up his bald head, and his icy blue eyes welcomed the crowd in. He was like a breath of fresh air. His voice was calming, and he brought in much-needed positivity.

Denzel Decker, a 17-year-old boy at the time, sat in that church as he prepared to listen to Derryberry speak. He had experienced the loss of his uncle and struggled to process the emotions of grief.

“When he [Derryberry] started his talk, you could feel his energy,” Denzel Decker said. From the first few words, Decker knew this speech would be worth listening to. “He immediately grabbed my attention. I’m not sure if it was the words he spoke or the way he spoke,” said Decker. “He walked back and forth in the front of the church sharing his life experiences, the good and the bad.”

That night, the crowd listened as Derryberry shared his story of mental health and grief. This was one of many times Derryberry stood in front of a large crowd to share his story. Derryberry has been telling his life story since the age of 23 with the hopes of helping others.

1982, Colebrook, Ohio

Sharon and Dave Derryberry had been married for a little over ten years. Sharon was living out her dreams of being a housewife and raising two children in rural Ohio when she and Dave welcomed their third child. In August of 1982, Sharon and Dave welcomed their third child to the world, John Paul Derryberry.

“As the youngest of three, John was always the life of the party. He was a goofy young boy, but he had a big heart,” Sharon Derryberry said. Growing up in rural Ohio, Derryberry, his two siblings, and his parents spent a lot of time camping, hiking, and playing board games. Derryberry also recalls playing basketball with his dad and brother.

“Something about dribbling the ball made me feel cool,” Derryberry said. As he got more involved in the sport, his passion grew, and like most kids, Derryberry was a big dreamer. He dreamed of someday playing in the NBA.

The Derryberry family was like most normal families. They were close-knit and had strong communication. Derryberry described his family as “picture-perfect” – until his father got sick.

1992, Warren, Ohio

Like many other normal days, Dave was at Packard GM, where he worked as an environmental engineer when his aorta ruptured suddenly. He was immediately rushed to the hospital and later airlifted to a larger hospital for surgery. Derryberry was just ten years old at the time. A once young and energetic boy was now scared and confused.

“These things happened to other people, not my family,” Derryberry said. A few weeks after the surgery, Dave suffered from a stroke as he recovered in the family’s home. Derryberry’s worry and confusion came rushing back. As Dave lay in a hospital bed in the intensive care unit, Derryberry sat at home, overcome with emotions.

“Anger started to become my dominant emotion,” Derryberry said. Derryberry was angry that another incident had happened with his dad. He was angry he couldn’t see his dad, and he took that anger out on his mom as he was belligerent and uncooperative with her.

“He [Derryberry] lost the only parent he thought he had,” Sharon Derryberry said. The Derryberry family knew Dave’s road to recovery was going to be a long and winding one. A year after Dave’s stroke, the Derryberry family packed their belongings and moved a short eight miles to Orwell, Ohio, to be closer to the amenities of a larger town. The transition of moving for Derryberry was hard at first, but he was soon back to normal.

“I didn’t like the thought of moving,” Derryberry said. “But I quickly started liking my town as I met my friend Eric the day I moved in.” While settling into his new life in Orwell, Derryberry experienced a tragic event – one he never saw coming.

1997, Orwell, Ohio

The road to recovery for Dave ended in an abrupt “cliff” that shocked the whole family. As Dave drove to work one June morning, he had another stroke. This one changed everything. The stroke led to a car accident, and Dave died on the scene. Derryberry, just 14 years old at the time, was playing in a baseball game at the time of his father’s death. In the blink of an eye, baseball was ruined. A sport that Derryberry once loved was now changed forever.

“It [his father’s death] kind of ruined baseball for me, and I ended up quitting,” Derryberry said. Baseball quickly changed for Derryberry, and so did his life. “You have this perfect bubble in life, and at some point, it pops,” Derryberry said. “My bubble popped at 14.” As he looks back on that day, Derryberry recalls not his sadness but his anger. “I had this raw, unfiltered anger,” Derryberry said. “I didn’t know what to do with all this anger spilled out over many good people. People that didn’t deserve it.”

After his father’s death, Derryberry struggled with his emotions. He struggled to maintain relationships and began abusing alcohol to cope with the loss. He lost his father at a time when a boy really needs a dad. As his siblings learned to cope with the grief of losing their father, Derryberry did not. Crystal Faatz, Derryberry’s sister, who is ten years older than him, saw how the loss of their father impacted him.

“After my dad passed, John felt everyone moved on and was happy, and he wasn’t,” Faatz said. “It seemed like he was stuck in a place he hated.” As Derryberry struggled with anger and depression, his mother brought him to a counselor to work through the grief. Counseling was beneficial for Derryberry. According to his mother, his eyes opened up after beginning therapy, but for Derryberry, basketball helped him. Basketball was the one time he was in control.

“As I got older and after my father passed away, I realized basketball is a game where you can control a lot of the action,” Derryberry said. “That feeling of control felt great.” He leaned on basketball as it was the one constant in his life. “I spent hours shooting by myself on my hoop in Orwell after my dad died,” Derryberry said.

1999, Orwell, Ohio

As Derryberry started getting back on his feet after losing his father, he was knocked down again. In 1999, Derryberry lost the first friend he met when he moved to Orwell. Eric, a 17-year-old boy, wasn’t wearing his seat belt when he got in a car accident. Derryberry was close by and ran up to the car, where he saw his friend in critical condition. Eric was life-flighted out of the area, and later that night, Derryberry received a phone call that Eric had passed. The loss of yet another important person worsened his depression and anger.

“I retreated from society as much as possible, emotionally and mentally,” Derryberry said. “At Eric’s funeral, I was a pallbearer and laid his casket over the hole he would be lowered into, and I contemplated suicide for the first time in that moment.”

As Derryberry continued on with years of built-up anger, he became physically aggressive. One night, Derryberry and his mother got into a verbal argument. He recalls his mother telling him, “your father wouldn’t be proud of you.”

“Seventeen-year-old angry John couldn’t handle those words,” Derryberry said.

At that very moment, he exploded with anger and pushed his mother. Derryberry told her he wished it were her who was dead. He went upstairs to his room with plans not to wake up. As Derryberry opened the pill bottle, he recalls seeing a photo of his parents.

“As I sat there, I kept staring at a picture of my parents,” Derryberry said. “I couldn’t go through with it. Looking at that picture reminded me of who I was and what my parents meant to me. If that picture wasn’t there that night, I might not be here today.” He recalls that being the loneliest night he has ever experienced, but it was a major turning point. “When you beat the crap out of your mom, you realize you need help,” Derryberry said.

After the incident with his mom, there was minimal discussion about the fight. “In my head, everything was still everyone else’s fault, not mine,” Derryberry said. During Derryberry’s senior year of high school, his family took a trip to London, and, for the first time, they discussed the fight between him and his mother and his father's death. The discussion initiated change in their relationship, and the mother and son were able to grieve together after this trip.

2000, Davenport, Iowa

While he focuses his story mostly on his teen years and ends it with the turning point of the mending of his relationship with his mom, but that’s not where his struggles end. He continued to experience the ups and downs of depression into his college career.

Fast forward one year, and Derryberry was well on his way. He was starting college at Marycrest International University in Davenport. He chose Marycrest for two reasons: a basketball scholarship and because it was 568 miles away from his hometown.

At Marycrest, he found a routine and support. While Derryberry still struggled with emotional swings fueled by his anger, they weren’t as severe as they’d been in his earlier years. He would have stretches where he would attend every class and be really focused on basketball; then he would find himself drifting back into depression and checking out of society.

Derryberry’s depressive states in college were similar to those before. He would find himself consumed with anger, but his emotions were more controlled in college. “I would lash out at people around me, withdraw after lashing out,” Derryberry said.

After talking with two teammates from Bosnia, he realized he wasn’t the only person who struggled with mental health. Derryberry knew from that point on if he was down, his friends and teammates would help him get back up again. Derryberry describes his time at Marycrest as the first time in a long time that he experienced more ups than downs. He was truly enjoying life again.

“It was amazing to feel again,” Derryberry said. “The most important thing was just that [good] feeling again.”

“Basketball at Marycrest was a lifesaver for John,” Sharon Derryberry said. Then, Derryberry encountered another struggle he was not prepared for. In 2002, the university announced it was closing due to financial shortcomings. He was heartbroken. He knew he would have to find a new home and start all over again after finally feeling well.

2002, Des Moines, Iowa

After the closing of Marycrest International, Derryberry transferred to Grand View University in Des Moines with some friends to “finish what he started in Iowa.” But things felt off for him. He was barely hanging on with a 2.45 GPA. He felt lost and out of place, and his depression started to kick in again. He felt he didn’t fit in well on the basketball team, so he quit. Derryberry again allowed his emotions to take over and decided he couldn’t do it anymore.

He packed his bags and went to a hotel where he called his mother, Sharon, to express his concerns about finishing school. The next morning, he made the 15-hour trek to his mom’s home in Ohio. He walked into the familiar house with a face of defeat. The loss of Marycrest was too much for him to bear. He experienced the grief process all over again. He was finally starting to feel like himself again at Marycrest, and the blow of losing something so important to him brought back the familiar feelings of loss and grief.

“I had found my place and created many great friendships,” Derryberry said. “I loved playing basketball there. I wanted to stay in that bubble for as long as possible.” While at his mom’s home, his brother, Dave, encouraged him to return to Iowa. Dave listened as the brothers tossed a football back and forth as Derryberry shared his emotions.

Something Dave said stuck out to him, “But you’re not that kid anymore. You went to Iowa, played college basketball, navigated your school closing, and from what I can see, have created a great group of friends for yourself. You’re doing it, your living life; this is what it looks like. You screwed up and asked for help. The last step is going back to fix it.”

Derryberry knew he had the ability to go back to Iowa and finish his education. After seven days in Ohio, he packed his bags and made the 15-hour drive back to Des Moines, this time knowing he was going to finish school. Derryberry’s second year at Grand View was much better. He was getting back on his feet and starting to feel well again, and he found support off the court. One of his psychology professors, Dr. Mark Mattes, took a special interest in Derryberry.

“John was very engaged in class and asked lots of questions,” Mattes said. “That is the best kind of student. He was attempting to establish his own voice separate from the challenges that he had experienced, and I wanted to help him do that.” Mattes helped Derryberry put his life experiences onto paper and encouraged him to share it.

Derryberry remembers Mattes telling him, “A man willing to talk about mental health in a vulnerable way that you do has the ability to impact lives.” Mattes also told him, “Numerous students can be successful in life, but you have a unique ability to connect with people. That is a skill that can change lives.”

After that advice, Derryberry knew he wanted to tell his story to others. He was allowed to speak amongst faculty at Grand View University, and after that, he began speaking to larger audiences.

2005, Des Moines, Iowa

Derryberry gave his first talk to a church youth group, including about 15 kids and a pastor in Des Moines. Soon after, he gave a talk to abused teens at Bremwood Residential Treatment Center in Waverly, Iowa. Telling his story helped him personally heal while explaining to people that it is OK, to feel anger, sadness, or confusion.

“The first few talks were raw,” Derryberry said. “There were mostly for my healing.” As his passion for speaking grew, his friends and family remained supportive and were proud of him.

“After one of his first talks, we had lunch at the Village Inn nearby and talked for quite a while, said Adam Rottinghaus, one of his college friends and teammates. “Young dudes that age aren’t typically very good at being vulnerable, but John was being vulnerable publicly in front of strangers, and I was impressed by that. I think that was the first time I began to see him as the man he would become.”

The following year, in 2006, Derryberry graduated from Grand View University and started his career at YWCA in Waterloo while continuing to share his story.

December 2022

Derryberry’s talks are spread solely by word of mouth. Since he was 23, he has given well over 175 talks across the country. He has traveled to several states, including Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and New York, to speak to those struggling with grief and mental health. He gives much credit to Mattes and Dr. Ken Jones at Grand View for helping him find his voice to tell his story.

“I know for a fact without those two, I would not be the storyteller I am today,” Derryberry said. Now 40 – with 26 years since losing his dad, 23 years since losing Eric, and 20 years since losing his first university – Derryberry still experiences rough days trying to recover from these personal tragedies. He has had to learn how to process his emotions healthily. Recovering from depression took years of recovery and relapses. He says sharing his life story not only keeps his dad and Eric alive, but it is also his opportunity to tell people the things no one ever told him about grief.

“Americans don’t talk about hard times like dealing with a death,” Derryberry said. “I knew about the five stages of grief, but no one told me I would go through them 100 times.” Derryberry’s ability to be vulnerable about mental health is vital for our society to understand how to deal with grief.

“Tragedy is everywhere, and most people don’t have healthy models to deal with that trauma,” Rottinghaus said. “John speaking is important because it gives people a way to process and cope.”

From the beginning, Derryberry’s goal has been to transform people’s lives with his story, and he has done just that. His message of “you’re not alone” has stuck with many, including Decker. Now 19 years old, Decker is a college student at Iowa State University, where he often recalls the words Derryberry once spoke to him at St. Patrick Catholic Church in Waukon that April evening.

“When I am feeling down or struggling with my mental health, I often think back to that night when John Derryberry was in Waukon,” said Decker. “Remembering the positivity and message he shared helps me keep pushing forward. He gave me hope for the future.”

In addition to the great feedback Derryberry has received, his ability to help people is the driving force behind telling his story. As described by his loved ones, Derryberry, the strong-willed, brave, and thoughtful man, plans to continue to transform lives with his story. By working through his pain, he has found purpose in helping others. His ultimate goal is to share his story in a place like Madison Square Garden in New York City in hopes of connecting with more people.

From a young boy yearning to be an NBA player to a lost and depressed college student, Derryberry has changed the course of his life by understanding mental health and grief. Now a loving husband, father, friend, and community leader, Derryberry’s story inspires people today.

Mental Health

Mental health is a growing concern in the U.S. According to a University of San Francisco study,

“48 percent of young adults reported mental health symptoms in 2021.” While these disorders are common among young adults, they are rarely talked about. The influence from the media and a lack of understanding has created a mental health stigma. A study published in the National Library of Medicine stated, “Only 16.5% of individuals with depression worldwide seek help, and stigma around mental health is one of the primary reasons.” After experiencing loss at a young age and suffering from depression, Derryberry has used his voice to educate people on mental health and eliminate the stigma.