Can We Flip It and Reverse It.

Can We Flip It and Reverse It

John Paul Derryberry

"John, research has revealed that the average child hears something like seven negatives to one positive.- Now imagine that ratio in an unhealthy family. Is it 10-1, 20-1, or 100-1? How long did our clients go between hearing someone say they loved them, they liked them, or they did a good job?" a therapist stated during a team meeting when I was a young social worker. Whether it's accurate or not, I don't know. What's the famous line; 80% of stats are made up anyway. Yet this interaction made me think about my coaches, teachers, parents, siblings, and bosses over the years. 

And while there probably is a specific study(ies) that came to this conclusion, think about growing up. Deep down, there is something true about that ratio— seven negatives to one good thing. We haven't created a culture around telling people what they do well. We haven't made it safe enough to admit our feelings in a capacity to share more love. Now, also think about the best people in your life. Think about the people that changed your trajectory in life. Think about the people who wished you had stayed in contact. I bet they blew the ratio out of the water. Not that they didn't say negative things to you. Communicating the negative is a part of life, but they also expressed the positive at an alarmingly high rate. Maybe the ratio was one-to-one. Perhaps it was three negatives to one positive, or if we were lucky, maybe it was seven positives to one negative. 

We have often taught that it's people pointing out the negatives that care for us. But I have come to find that is not true. So many of us don't know what we are good at, why people love us, and how to proceed through life. When a professor in every meeting told me I was good at storytelling and being curious, I latched on to it. When a boss constantly told me, my happiness was infectious around our clients. I predictably started to show up to work a hell of a lot happier. When I was in the middle of a bad moment for a client, I listed all the great things they did that day and then stated- we are in a bad five minutes. Do you want the good to carry the day or focus on the muck-up 5 minutes? They stopped their destructive habit, looked at me, and stated, "Why on earth would you list the stuff I do well right now." I smiled and replied, "Often, at our worse, we need reminding we are a good person who occasionally messes up." 

This doesn't mean we should excuse poor behavior or not communicate with people. It means people listen better to the bad stuff when everyone remembers and finds the courage to say the good stuff. The ratio has to be healthy, and seven to one, if that is the actual average, isn't healthy. Very few folks are seven bad to 1 good; if they are, society has failed them. We must own that as well. 

I remember being in college basketball practice. One day, the assistant coach spent the whole scrimmage screaming about what I was doing well. He was over the top, going wild celebrating. I was starting to master some of the stuff we had drilled for a year plus. In the following practice, I screwed some of it up and heard all about that from the coach. But I remembered the training session filled with praise, took a deep breath, and attempted to correct course. I would have run through a wall for that coach- he cracked the feedback ratio. And that is the key to unlocking a better school, workplace, society, and family life. 

We are finding ways to lower negative and increase positive feedback. Most of us try hard to be good dads, sons, daughters, co-workers, siblings, and storytellers. We would all be better at it if we voiced the positive more often. The bads don't seem that bad; our idea of who we are and the type of person we can grow exponentially, and the best people who make life better would be more abundant. And man, can we use a whole army of better people to point out the positives and improve life!