You Can't Fake Caring

You Can’t Fake Caring

John Paul Derryberry

As I chatted with a former colleague about our old team and how great it was this week, he gave a slight chuckle. I asked him what the chuckle was about, and he said like any team you are on would settle for anything other than great. I then gave a return chuckle and nodded in agreement. I asked him why he felt that way. I'm forever curious about how others view how I do my work. I wish more people were interested and asked others what makes them successful. We would learn more about ourselves if we did, instead of thinking we know what makes us successful.

He stated that you actually care a lot, not just about clients but about the people you work with. It's impressive how much emotional space you can hold for others. It's something you cannot fake; it's the biggest reason you can be such an effective teacher in social work because one minute you are communicating that their intervention was awful. Then the next, they are laughing at some story about you, screwing up an intervention. Only a few people have that ability; it's your voice's sound, tone, pacing, and always-changing pace you use to interact in our world of social work. No one, even people who dislike you, can accuse you of not caring.

They were such thoughtful and kind words. This week, I needed that feedback as I navigated some compassion fatigue. I struggled to hold space for folks, and those strings of words created more space for compassion for others. And my friend is correct; you can not fake caring. We can fake or simulate many of the types of interactions we have now. We can fake numerous interactions between social media, texting, direct messaging, face timing, in-person, and countless other ways. How much we love someone, how much we are into someone, how much money we have, or how we even live our lives. It's relatively easy and scary that the amount of faking can occur.

But deep down, genuine caring about others or a specific person cannot be faked. We can lie to ourselves about how our partners, siblings, parents, co-workers, leadership, workers, employees, and children care. But we see and feel it in the tone of their voice, their ability to hear your side of things and make minor adjustments to fit better into your life. Or, we hear it in the lack of effect they put into those things. We know, on some level, whether people or a specific person cares. It may be the last vestige of social interactions that cannot be faked. And it might be why so many of us are starving and craving genuine care from others. It does not occur as much as we need, and we cannot find the same connection and emotional safety in our numerous other simulated interactions. You can't fake it, so I recommend searching out those who don't; you deserve real connection; we all do.