Chasing Ghosts
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Chasing Ghosts
John Paul Derryberry
My dad meticulously got out his old school shaving kit and showed me how to lather up the soap. He had informed me that the peach fuzz above my lip was too much and it was time to learn to shave. It is a memory of the short time that I had my father, filled with warmth, compassion, and care. It's the kind of memory anyone would file away and return to numerous times throughout life, whether we return to the memory to cherish it and bask in those feelings again or out of anger because of stolen future memories.
A number of us find ourselves chasing those ghosts of good times of the past from time to time. Moments that didn't just provide a connection with a loved one but changed how we view life, view ourselves, and conduct ourselves moving forward. Others run from ghosts of the bad times of the past from time to time. They run from moments that not only cut the connection with a loved one but changed how we view life and ourselves and conduct ourselves moving forward.
It is how we define, process, and move on from these moments that determines our path in life. Some of us define ourselves by these minute-long interactions. They may represent less than 1% of our lives, but they are so ingrained into our core that we cannot escape them wherever we go. You could become the leader of the free world and still be trying to prove to your father that you are worthy of quality attention, still be chasing a ghost you'll never catch.
I have chased those ghosts. We all have on some level. A teacher dismissed you, you now feel not intelligent enough. A friend rapes you and steals your ability to trust, to love, and you doubt every future relationship. A sibling casts a big shadow and the community you grew up in expects you to be them. You wonder if being just-you will ever be enough. There are countless examples of interactions that can wipe away all the good, honest, hard work anyone has achieved. Unfortunately for too many of us, these interactions leave us chasing ghosts, chasing something that won't ever exist.
At some point, we have to learn to live with those ghosts, to live with what we cannot change. And, when those moments of doubt creep in, to trust that we've done the work well and do the job to navigate it again. I'm not saying don't move, don't relocate your life; sometimes those ghosts are big enough to do just that. I wouldn't be in Mason City, Iowa living my best life if I hadn't run away from a couple of ghosts once upon a time.
It's finding yourself with people who, when they see you chasing those old ghosts, help you stop. It's about when you face that old ghost, you can say, "You again? Let's do this!" It's about remembering that it's a ghost from a tiny moment in your life, and you are much more than that small moment. It's about knowing this ghost isn't real, and that you're still standing long after the moment that created the ghost. It's about turning that memory of your father teaching you how to shave back into a place that provides warmth, compassion, and care because that's the best of me. Whatever is the best of us is what the people you love need from you.