Sunday Night With John: The Universal Language of Compassion

Universal Compassion 

John Paul Derryberry 

One of my former at-risk youth was standing at the desk when her mother dropped the news that the family would not be coming to visit her this weekend. I could see the disappointed brain waves being carried through her body as she dropped an inch in height and gave me the “life sucks” eye glance, a glance we have all given someone through the years. She hung up the phone and stomped off. Another staffer asked, "What we should do?" My first thought was to give chase and help with the emotional management. Then I thought of all the times in my life that I was disappointed and the last thing I wanted in those moments was someone walking me through how to not be angry. So I waited. 

Moments later the yelling and cursing at everyone around her started. The disappointment became anger and she again set her eyes on me. This time it was the “I would like to stab you” glance with a large scoop of “I hate everyone” thrown in. She screamed, “I’m angry!”  I calmly looked at my client and stated, “You should be.” She said, "What?" I repeated myself, “You should be angry. Someone you love very much made a decision to hurt you. I get your anger. I have been there before. How can I help?”

She replied, "Aren’t you supposed to talk me out of being angry and give me stupid therapy talk about how I should just accept this?" I answered, "No, that is not my job. My job right now is to let you know you have picked the correct emotion. What you do with that emotion is up to you." She looked at me and then asked, "Have you ever been this angry?" I laughed and stated, "Do you mean have I ever thought of hurting someone because I was angry? Yep, it’s happened once or twice." She now gave me the “I’m puzzled” glance and stated, "But you're staff. You are supposed to have your stuff together." I laughed, and said, "I wish." 

What followed was a conversation about connecting over moments that make us angry. That lead to a discussion about moments that made us happy, fearful, excited and nervous. By the end, I was not staff and she was not an at-risk youth. We were two people realizing we had more in common than we realized because we had started to treat each other with compassion. We rarely understand the power of compassion until we are at that moment, until we are forced to know how the other person feels, even though their behavior is negatively affecting our lives. Emotions transcend language, race, tribe, abilities, disabilities, and socio-economic status. I am not breaking any new ground with this information. Most people know this by now, but it just seems that this type of knowledge is thrown away, not accepted, or downright refused-to-be-acknowledged by the world. A rich man and poor man’s sorrow over a lost love are not different. They are not miles apart. They sit next to each other, practically hugging. 

It has never failed me to lead with compassion, and, it has allowed me to forge relationships with many different people from many different places. I once dealt with a man, who was non-verbal, who seemed very sad. But once he figured out a way to communicate that he missed his family, I easily related. I, too, have been worried about losing someone. That is why I could provide case management to a family who didn’t speak English, because tears and smiles are easy to understand. That’s how a moment happened, when a conversation with a kid who had every reason to see me as the enemy, turned into a conversation where we realized we could see eye-to-eye on a lot. The human experience continually gives us reasons to connect, because we share so many experiences-- from heartbreak or worries about being a parent, to the doubt of not being good enough or the many other feelings and thoughts that the paths of our brains go down. Compassion for one another connects us in ways Google Translate could only hope to do.