Sunday Night with John: I'm Not Happy With You, But I Love You!

My fiancée has informed me that when we have one of our rare disagreements she gets a little flustered with me when I say “I love you” at any point in our discussions. I chuckled because I can totally see why that would bug someone. As we continued to talk out different things to strengthen our relationships she also informed me that my go-to statement when I’m upset with someone is “I’m not happy with you.”

In my never ending quest to achieve perfect harmony with how I feel and how I communicate with people I have adopted phrases and have forced myself to make statements at different points in the discussion. If I’m always saying I’m angry then there is no room to be just a little upset, scared, or fearful. The statement “I’m not happy with you,” was crafted to soften the blow of starting a difficult conversation because not too many people respond well to, I’m mad at you. To carefully navigate relationship trouble spots “I’m not happy with you” allows room for me to become happy with the situations or person while talking it out. It is my attempt to deliver a statement that allows for feelings to flow back and forth and to stop defensive emotional walls from going up. Nothing productive is accomplished with emotional walls on high alert. I know when my emotional walls go up, I begin to tap into anger and my stubbornness that says I’m right and your wrong. 

Saying, “I love you,” or “I care about you,” in the middle of a disagreement or when we take space from each other reminds me I have more feelings for my fiancée than the ones I’m experiencing in the moment. I’m probably saying it more for myself than I am for her. It’s those tough moments when I’m around people I love and I’m not happy with my emotions I fire with the fiercest force because I have invested so much in our relationships.  I always want to remind myself this relationship is important to me, I love them, and I want to handle people I love with care, compassion, and an eye toward future events. It’s my hope that when I say “I love you” my fiancée also remembers she loves me, and even though we are struggling at this point, we are bonded by love, which can be present even in disagreements.  

No relationship is perfect and trying to avoid disagreements and tough spots only promotes avoidance of difficult emotions. Those emotions can build into an explosive time bomb that when ignited might end a relationship that was once loving.  I don’t know if my statement “I’m not happy with you has the effect I’m hoping for, but I know it’s better than going straight to anger. 

Besides the sometimes funny look I get when I include, “I love you or I care about you “ into disagreements I think it allows the most powerful emotions that I share with my fiancée “Love” to guide my actions through our rough patch, and any statements I can make to myself or to her that helps me get to the next day is worth saying because she is worth loving. I always want her to know that even when I’m not happy with her, I still love her always.

P.S. no need to worry Anne and I are getting along perfectly fine, we just thought this would make a great blog.