Sunday Night With John: #humbled

There I was, standing in the dressing room at the Mall of America trying on suits for my wedding. It was a moment that I was nervous for at first because I’m just not one for shopping. I like to get in and out, spending as little time as possible. I knew trying on suits isn’t something that can go quickly, and picking the correct one for our wedding wasn’t something I wanted to do quickly. For our big day I wanted to look studly.

As I looked into the mirror with the potential suit on, a rush of peacefulness came over me.  For as long as I can remember I had something that I was fighting against motivating me. At 14, I was a grieving the loss of my father and fighting my anger towards life. At 17, I was depressed and suicidal fighting off the bad thoughts in my head from doing something terrible. At 19, I was fighting to prove I belonged somewhere. At 21, I was fighting professors on the merits of attending classes, and that I could write a book. At 23, I was fighting to prove I could be a public speaker on the topics of emotional health. Lastly at 25, I was fighting to prove we should use humor with abused teenagers and families.  The way my life has weaved, or the way I weaved my life, I have always found an internal or external fight to engage in. Over the last 6 years, I have worked to not search out that type of external or internal battle, but find a more peaceful way to motivate myself.

Fighting for that long has an effect on the body.  It causes stress on our hearts and nervous system, and on our support system. So there I was at 31 years old.  I found the right person to marry, I have wonderful a family, the most supportive friends, a growing public speaking base, and a suit that made me look great. I couldn’t stop the feeling of peace that flooded my thoughts, feelings, and body. For that moment I wasn’t fighting anything, I wasn’t struggling against any big outside force, or any internal struggle. I was just John Paul Derrybery who is motivated to help others ease their pain, help others start their path to healing, who wants to talk because I feel I have something to offer not because I have something to fight.

My counterparts on my shopping trip noticed my quietness, and began to inquire why I was suddenly non-verbal. How do you explain you just had a moment of profound peacefulness? How do you say trying on a suit in the Mall of America made you realize how you are no longer fighting anything, that you were completely humbled by how great your life was? How do you a say looking into the mirror wearing a suit you haven’t even purchased yet, made you think about how great you have it? The only thing I could muster out was that I was completely humbled. A great way to say I’m at a loss of words, for all the right reasons.