I Refuse To

I Refuse To

John Paul Derryberry

I've noticed a widespread phenomenon promoted by leaders, media, and social media: the idea that people should hate others with different viewpoints, backgrounds, or origins. While I tend to doubt its authenticity—perhaps due to my hopeful outlook—I wonder if I'm underestimating its reality. Recently, I've repeatedly heard claims that enemies are everywhere and that many people are surrounded by those who are out to get them. I can’t imagine going through life looking at everyone as a potential adversary who isn't perfectly aligned with my own perspective.  Before I get to my main point, I have two thoughts on this: one, what a boring way to go through life, thinking there is only one culture, one view, or one way to navigate this grand experiment, and two, the twisting of any moral code falls apart when we engage in this type of behavior.

My main point is that I refuse to engage in such behavior. This type of hate is for the sake of hate, and anger is poisonous. It’s downright dangerous to continue boiling relationships down to the point where you're either against me or with me. Either you agree with every aspect of what I’m doing, or you are an enemy that must be destroyed. Viewing each other through the lens of heroes and villains creates numerous ripple-effect issues in our communities; it can escalate from a ripple into a tsunami that destroys nearly everything we hold dear. Healthy relationships should be based on varying viewpoints, understanding where others are coming from, and engaging in open conversations, back and forth, and give and take.

Some of the best people I know, and some people I love dearly, have a different view of life and how society should operate than I do. While some people with whom I agree, I wouldn’t let them watch my children without me in the room. And vice versa. A person’s character should matter, but that has been lost over the last 12 years. Not so much lost as it has been torn to shreds, burned, and buried. When I hear some outlandish statements about how we should interact, I often find myself drifting to thoughts of what would happen if I applied those standards to people I love dearly. It probably means I will never talk to them again. We have disagreements on various social topics, and the discord that occurs in our society.  Yet, I can’t imagine my life without some of our conversations about life and how they have shaped me into who I am. I am better because of those conversations; more importantly, I’m better because of their actions to make me better, despite some beliefs not aligning.

It's an odd thing that we have let transpire. We are so obsessed with winning and being right that we have forgotten the curiosity that life can bring if we approach conversations with an open mind. We have forgotten the common ground we can achieve with people who have valid points and evidence supporting their viewpoint. Can you remember when you changed your mind about how our society should interact?  I do not think most of us can because we buy into every disagreement as a referendum on the world's fate and end relationships. I refuse to participate; I hope more do. It is not leading anywhere good.

A fantastic thing happened professionally when I truly dropped the act and delved into people's character, asking them why they believed what they did and what they wanted for their community. Despite our agreements or disagreements, we both wanted roughly the same thing. There are valid reasons not to like certain people, and there are valid reasons for not communicating with them. Some people should never hold any power or leadership position in any business, government, or community, regardless of size. But the idea that the tests start and end with us agreeing on everything would be laughable if it weren’t so dangerous. For the last 12 years, I have been inundated with the notion that I should not enjoy people I care deeply about and others. I will continue to do what I have been doing for the last 12 years: refuse to engage in that thinking, and many people have done the same for me.