Sunday Night With John: Just Get Over It?

I was at a residential rehabilitation center for teens giving my talk. The kids were respectful and engaged the entire time. One girl was beginning to come fidgety toward the end and I could tell she was itching to ask a question.  I finished my last story and her hand went up quickly.  I called on her and she asked,  “Is it okay to still be sad every October because that is the month your grandma died and she is the one who took care of you?” I replied, “Yes it’s okay be to sad in October.” The girl looks at her staff and says very rudely, “See, I told you were wrong, I can to be sad when October gets here.” The sense of relief her body language gave off when she uttered those sentences was huge. I got the feeling she was defeating a foe, not convincing a support person to change their approach.

After everyone stopped laughing we began to peal the situation apart a little deeper besides the obvious that a bad thing happened so I can be sad. We talked about why ever year for the last four, she becomes upset and sad in October, which was because her grandma took in her after her parents left her. It was the last time she remembers being happy, and she stated she was tired of hearing she needed to move on. The group discussed that a part of us won’t move on from our traumatic events, that they are always apart of whom we are but that doesn’t mean every October has to suck the life out of us. We talked about acknowledging our sad moments, sharing them with someone and then giving ourselves permission to move into a different emotion. The staff then asked when is it okay to tell someone it’s time to get over it. I stated it’s probably never a good time to tell someone to get over anything. When was the last time you remember getting over something when someone told you it was time?  All my tough moments I have moved through by someone walking with me, not someone telling me it was time. I’ve always wondered the motive for having someone get over a bad moment and I’ve always felt it was for the benefit of himself or herself not the person suffering. 

The truth is the girl is always going to be a little sad in October because her grandma may have saved her life, just like when you have bad days the stick with you. The key is having compassion during tough moments. We must also allow our support systems and ourselves to go through the emotions together to ease the pain.

Compassion allows us to stay friendly, because when we mutter the sentence, “Just get over it”; we aren’t coming off as too friendly. People are going to get over bad events in their own time and the way to speed that up for them is to support and let them know they can take their time.  People don’t wake up saying I want to wallow in my terrible life, they wake up and see their struggles and say, I don’t have energy to fight back. Compassion is the key, walking with them provides support, and going their pace gives them energy to just get over it!