My Through Line

My Through Line

John Paul Derryberry

Iowa Hospitals Association mental health behavior teams invited me to Des Moines, Iowa to present at their conference. I was to do a presentation on my philosophy in working through complex behavioral cases. I was part of a three-person panel and my part was representing community providers. It was a great experience presenting to doctors and hospital behavioral health personnel. I was again presented with a question that led to more insight into myself than my answer to the question probably provided to the individual asking the question. 

It was an unassuming question- probably one I've been asked before. Yet this time my answer left me a little stunned that it was clear, so firm, so much the through line from my trauma in my teens to nearly 41-year-old John:  connecting those two very different people in a very cut-through-all-the-noise way.  The question was framed in such an inquisitive way; why did you adopt, not just the attitude, but the behavior to follow through on not giving up on people. I smiled, chuckled and said I gave up on myself once at 17, and had certain folks that I needed not to give up on me, who did. It was a horrible, lonely feeling. I can't help but think these folks feel the same way. So I keep coming and giving more changes, keep working, thinking that sometimes the most important behavioral intervention at our disposal, is the simple act of resilience. Just keep trying. 

I once asked an opponent of mine, years after we stopped playing basketball against each other, what was my best basketball trait. His response, you just don't stop coming; down big, and out-matched, you just keeping plugging away. Even in moments when you knew, no way we can win unless everything goes perfectly, you kept trying to create the perfect conditions. Ask my friends, wife, family, what is John's best trait, I would bet most of them would say, he just keeps going; he doesn't stop chasing a good outcome, a dream, a better life. They are right. My first marathon was 4 hours and 34 minutes; the goal was 4 hours.  My 3rd marathon was 3 hours and 56 minutes- mission accomplished. But, can I run a 3-hour-and-45-minute marathon? 

Look, that type of life has its cons, sometimes we should give up, always trying can lead down some wrong roads. This is not a stump speech for resilience above all else. This is about constantly understanding myself on a higher level. Why do I do what I do; what's my through line? And a big piece of it is, as I have grown, I have given up on less and less. Younger John did give up on things, but at important crossroads in life, I always choose to be resilient. It has its faults, it has its pros. But knowing that there is a through line between 17-year-old depressed John and 41-year-old overly happy John is comforting. I'm different, yet still the same. I guess we can say that about all of us. The lucky ones get confirmation, the best of us get a greater understanding about who we are and life. I count myself lucky. Everyone else will have decide if I'm one of the best ones. We know one thing at least, I'll keep trying, it's what I do.