Sunday Night With John: Most Roads Lead to Rome

Most Roads Lead To Rome

John Paul Derryberry 

I shook my head slightly after the question came. I did my best to hide my disgust for the issue, but I have my doubts that I did a great job of concealing my hate for the line of thinking the question implied.  This question has occurred time and time again when the conversation turns to my line of work in public speaking and social work.  No matter how much education we do with the public at large, we have not put a dent in our biggest problem, changing the perception of the social, mental, emotional struggles that some in our social groups face. 

The question is always around this theme, "Isn't there some program, a single  method, or a form of control you can put in place to ensure these people do things differently." Or, my personal least favorite, "Can't you just make them do things better."  The short answer is, no, it does not work that way nor will it ever. Anyone spitting the venom of lies that they have the path to healing figured out should be punched in the throat so they can no longer talk. Yes, I understand that is a little harsh, and maybe I'm a little too close to the subject matter to be the one doling out consequences for bad social work and personal improvement methods. This line of thinking is textbook bad thinking about how to assist people in healing and perpetuates the self-help economic money-making machine. This thinking leaves most of us feeling more hollow than when we started our healing journey. If I cannot follow the path laid down by others, I must be a loser. That's what people who struggle think.  So I'm going to stick with, I hope someone punches them in their throat so they cannot spew their half-truths. 

The real truth about healing and why some people turn their lives around and others do not, is a litany of variables from the environment, people, culture, social, economic status, reliance ability, and compassion. No one person can ever corner the market on that equation. It might be easier to figure out the eternal question of why are we here, than to solve the how to get people to turn their life around from addiction, abuse, abandonment issues and countless other struggle-worthy issues. 

The road to a healthy lifestyle should be multiple roads to a better life: as many avenues, boulevards, dirt roads, alleys, and highways we can create for people as possible. And, in the scariest of all propositions, we should let those who are struggling do the majority of the driving. Heck, I have been in the life-changing business for 15 years, and I still can't predict with any accuracy who is going to improve their lives and who is going fall down again and how they are going to do it. 

I have witnessed people heal by finding God. I have seen people get healthy by walking away from God. I have watched people find the right medication, and I have seen people quit medicine and achieve the same result. I have had a kid tell me, "if you just let me run every day I'll start behaving," and it happened.  I have watched people come to epiphanies through therapy and witnessed people tell the therapist, "I'll figure it out myself," and do just that.  I have seen people grow by confronting their abusers, and I have seen people grow by never seeing their abusers again. I have watched transformation through the trauma-informed care approach, and I have also watched a kid who screamed, "do not talk about trauma with me," figure life out just fine.   Heck, I once had a girl start to turn her life around through the simple act of doing a soft head-butt with staff before she fell asleep every night. She decided she could create a friendly head-butt instead of the unsafe head-butt she was doing on the bathroom tile.  

My job is not to ever assume I know what's best for anyone, to temper my desire to jump in and fix anyone with my way, or The Way of achieving a better life. As long as no harm comes to others or themselves, it's my job to say, "yep, let's try it".  When training people, I often say, "if my client thinks they will turn my life around learning how to do Sirsasana, one of the head stand poses in yoga, It's my job to get them a yoga mat, even if a head stand is the furthest skill I feel they need to find success".  

The path to healing and a better version of you is not and will never be one path, no matter who is advising you. Even my own journey of understanding my demons has taken twists and turns, and sometimes I did my best healing on what experts would call the least traveled path to healing. I landed on long runs through my neighborhoods without listening to podcasts or music, and, backpacking. Disconnecting creates a space for me to become healthy, but I know that isn't for everyone.  Now, I do not expect anyone to adopt that path. While we will never be able to say all roads lead to healthy self, we can continue to move society toward an understanding that  most roads can lead to better you. We have to get a better understanding that our job is to clear as many good paths as possible. For those struggling to walk, run, skip, or crawl toward the best version of themselves, we should never limit the trails, but widen them and multiply them over and over again.