Sunday Night With John: Straight White Male

Straight White Male

John Paul Derryberry

I'm proud of who I am, but that has nothing to do with being straight, white and male.  It has to do with the growth I have had as a human being over my 36 years on our planet. After the Me Too movement and everything swirling around the Supreme Court nomination, I had to take stock of what role I have played in continuing our men first, second and always culture. We have a culture of making the doors that access leadership, education, and influential positions in society, very narrow for people who are not straight, white males. The question I have been asking myself all week is,"how much has my confidence been based on the fact that straight white men have made almost all the rules and, until recently, were not held to the same standards as others". Everyone else, who wanted to grab a seat at the big people's table, had to be perfect. We just merely had to be. 

I wasn't always proud of who I am, but that never stopped my arrogance of using my abilities to put others in what I thought was their place.  In high school, I remember vividly that I called a girl white-trash for having the audacity to even talk to me. While I never actively shunned people because of their sexual orientation, I didn't participate in creating an environment where they would feel welcome until my early twenties.  I used the word "faggot" in my younger years and did not think much of it. I called women "sluts" and held the ancient belief that men could be promiscuous but women could not. I did not understand the full range of healthy sexuality.  I know I gaslighted people before I even knew what the term gas-lighting was.  I once called a girlfriend by the wrong name on purpose. She wasn't paying attention to me the way I wanted, and it was an easy manipulative ploy to ensure I would get the attention I felt I rightly deserved. In another cowardly act, I once did not talk to a female friend I was mad at for 24 hours, in an effort to win some power dynamic in our relationship.  I was wrong, and the excuse that I was young should not apply to these situations.  I apologized to both women for my actions within days of my poor behavior. The question becomes, does admitting to my transgressions and growing beyond them, equal erasing those past acts?

For some the answer is yes, and for others, no. We should respect both. There are people in my orbit who probably, and rightfully, believe I should not have my role as public speaker based on our interactions. Knowing and admitting there is more than one truth and view of me is not an easy thing, but that has been the truth for so many marginalized groups in society. Straight White Males are finding out that they no longer get to write the legacies. This fact is excellent because the human experience is vast and complicated. We can only arrive at truth and equality if we rise to the new standards of what it means to be accepting and kind to others. The guidelines are murky and confusing at this very moment because they are being created on the fly. When we settle at a more inclusive society, the new rules will be a lot higher than they used to be. Straight white males will no longer get to just show up at the party, with money and a degree from Yale, and be anointed the next great thing. 

Socrates was correct. The unexamined life is not worth living because it means you block out experiences challenging your view of the world. I may not have supported the LGBTQ community when I was younger, but I'm an ally now. Pride Day In Iowa City is one of the best days to be alive.  In fact, if I were to suffer a brain injury and needed in-home care, there is a particular gay social worker I would ask to be my in-home caregiver.  He is compassionate, patient, and professional. I just hope that if he reads this and knows I used to use the f-word in my past, he can see my growth and forgive me. I have created new definitions of healthy sexuality and support people discovering theirs. I also know these words might fall on ears not willing to forget or forgive the old arrogant me.  Knowing I hurt people is something I live with daily, my wife has often asked do I carry those transgression with me. My answer is always yes, I never want to become that person again. So there is truth in their words about John Paul Derryberry not being a good person and I cannot, and we cannot, afford to take away people's reality. 

That's the problem with the social changes we are experiencing at this moment.  They are an effort to shine the light on dark parts of our culture, to reveal the truth of who we are in the hope of replacing them with something better. We have too many who do not want that truth told. They can't handle what it reveals about them. It shatters their narrative that they are a decent, good person.  Maybe because I smashed that narrative for myself a long time ago, it is easier for me to sit here today and say, I wholly believe what marginalized groups are saying about our social constructs and can see the truth they are trying to convey to all of us.  

It was an odd moment for me when a famous politician said this week that he was a straight, white male and he was told to shut up. He waited for a beat and then said, "I will not shut up".  I found it humorous because it wasn't until I shut up and listened to smart, creative females that I understood the error of my ways. For others, it was a sad moment because it was more of the same. Their voices, drowned out by those in power and the powers-to-be, continued to say they did not matter. Victims truth is not allowed to be written as fact because it might junk up the system. I cannot speak for everyone in this space, only myself. So, after much thought, the main question for me this week was: was my confidence based on the societal culture I grew up in and, were my transgressions based on the rules of those times.  The truth is, yes and that answer is no longer worthy of being accepted. I have moved on from that inquiry, for this straight, white male there is a better question to be asked and answered.  Today I ask myself, am I building my pride and confidence grounded in more inclusive moral interactions and sounder ethical foundations. I would love to think so, but I'm not the only one who gets to decide that. You all do. And, that is a society I'm eager to engage in.