Sunday Night With John: Our Always and Forever Victim Blaming Culture

Our Always and Forever Victim Blaming Culture

John Paul Derryberry

Disclaimer: A lot of work went into this blog including having a number of female friends comb through to rough out edges that came from a place I do not understand about our sex culture as straight white male. Next week’s blog tackle’s the process I took to write about this topic.

I distinctly remember the crippling fear that overcame my entire body the first time I stood on a high dive. The only thought running through my head was, "I'm about to die."  At 36 years young, when I stand on a high dive now, the thought, "I'm about to die," isn't crippling and doesn't overcome my entire body. However, it does cross the old noggin once. This is what I imagine goes through the mind of every victim of sexual assault, rape, or abuse their entire life but with the stakes ratcheted up to a trillion on the intensity scale. My best guess is the high dive has been placed on the moon, and the pool you are jumping into is the size of a hot tub filled with a hungry school of great whites.  If you somehow manage to land that jump and get out of the hot-tub alive, we might believe you were attacked. 

Maybe that analogy is entirely wrong, perhaps it's in the ballpark. I honestly do not know because I have not been the victim of an attack this horrible. I'm uncomfortable just venturing into writing about our culture, which makes the victims spend eternity as a victim. I probably contributed to this culture when I was young in ways in which I'm not fully aware. If I'm uncomfortable writing about it, how are the brave people who do come forward ever going find a comfortable environment to even whisper about what happened? That's our hostile environment toward victims. We must admit it exists because we've made coming forward to share their story impossible. Forget the goal of seeking justice because we have too many examples of our system failing in that instance.  

Most, if not all, of the first reactions of people in power to hearing a light breeze of an accusation in their orbit, is to dismiss it and, then, ignore it. If the breeze grows into a stiff wind, they wish the accuser would just keep quiet because they are disrupting the status quo. If it turns into a gale force wind, they head for their lawyers and say, "no comment," as much as humanly possible. Then, we are baffled when the victims don't come forward till thirty years later. In our befuddlement, we dismiss them for not coming forward sooner. We even feign anger toward them and anyone wanting answers because they drudged up such acts so long after the fact. 

Next, we assess the character of the accuser. If it's a homeless person, sick person, an adult film actress, we destroy their integrity. If it's anyone who dressed a certain way, we suggest they were asking for it. If they accuse a man in power, we jump to the accusation that they are trying to destroy him, instead of thinking this man might have used his influence to place puppet strings on the weak. I have never met anyone willing to endure this gauntlet of anger, name-calling and death threats, just so they can destroy another's professional career.  I want to reiterate. I'm not an expert in this, and with every keystroke, I worry that I'm making the situation worse. I know I've already made a reader or two upset. That's the point. Our culture has not created a space for victims. Due to this failure, we bark angrily and desperately as we try to change the culture or enforce the status quo. 

I get it. Reviewing acts from thirty years ago is not easy, and we may never know the truth of what occurred.  Trying to answer that question may not be the goal. The goal, in forcing society to look at our victim-blaming and dismissive culture, is to create a better path forward for everyone. Sometimes we have to tear down the house to the studs. This is one of those situations. My goal is that we grow by leaps and bounds to a place where every victim who comes forward is believed until they are proven to have lied, and every accused is innocent until proven guilty. Is this too lofty of a goal or not a high enough standard? I wish I had that answer. 

Smarter people may have higher aspirations for our victim-shaming culture and I will proudly follow those leading the charge to change it. We have to do better for the next victims. I would say future victims, but we know that right now, somewhere in the USA, one person is violating another. The violated person will wake up scared to reveal the violence because they have watched what our leaders do to those who do come forward. They will be trapped in their personal hell of confusion, doubt, and worry. Again, I doubt that my words are even capturing one trillionth of what they go through on a daily basis. I just want a world where every victim is not placed where we put them now, forever stuck in the worst moment of their lives because their story inconveniences our goals.