Sunday Night With John: Don't Put My Foot Into My Mouth

I’m sitting in a room with all females and we are getting to the part of the presentation I’m scared to engage in. There are seven females around a table and I’m two minutes away from talking about rape culture. Every neuron is firing in my brain screaming, “You are a white American male of European descent in his mid 30s; you should not be talking about this topic.” The problem is, my job puts me in positions where I have to talk about these subjects. I’m well aware that leading a discussion or educating people on our rape culture from my view of the world is total bull crap. I’m a man and I’m well aware I have never experienced sexual harassment in my life. At a recent after work gathering, I broached the topic with some female colleagues who I knew would tell me if I was being insensitive but would also answer some questions I had. I found out that, at that point in their lives, sexual harassment was a daily occurrence. Many of them had had men yell disgusting things at them when they drove by.

I’m reminded of a camping trip where the campgrounds hired a band to play at their gazebo. I was walking up to it with a friend who happened to be a girl. As we wove through the crowd, I put my arm around her shoulder which she had asked me to do so we wouldn’t get separated. We hadn't gone even five feet in our attempt to find our spot to listen to and watch the live music, when a man ran up behind her and slapped her butt. She turned around and flashed him a "no means no" look but this guy didn't even begin to mutter an apology until he saw me. He then said, “Oh, man, sorry. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend; my bad.” He apologized to me, not the girl he violated. Is this where our culture still stands on how to respect the body of our females? We apologize to the man for touching the body of a female. The girl thanked me for sticking up for her but that is not the way this situation should have gone down.

I’m a minute away from starting the rape section, I take a drink from my water bottle before I start. I have seven females asking questions and interacting with me about how to help someone who has been abused, but we have to talk out sexual abuse, victim-blaming, and our country’s rape culture next. The thought that runs through my head is about reading the stories of two recently convicted rapists--the Stanford swimmer who was released from jail, and the young man in Florida who was let off with probation. Comments in response to those stories were vulgar, insensitive, and seemed as if they were coming out of the 17th century, not the 21st. I thought for a quick moment, I know I, too, have said something in my history that was sexist. I must have been ignorant, and shielded from this behavior and culture, due to my gender and skin color.  I took a deep breath and stated to this group of wonderful women, I’m a man and I do not know 100% of everything about our rape culture and how we are still victim-blaming. I do not want to offend and I invite you interrupt me if I say something ignorant or insensitive. I have no clue if this was the correct way to approach the topic, but I had to say something to show I wasn’t going to act like I was a man who could completely understand women and how they have been treated.

The meeting finished without incident and I successfully didn’t put my foot in my mouth. The problem still remains. Too many men think they understand this issue and participate in perpetuating the wrong culture and attitudes towards women. Its persistent, ugly existence has been revealed due to recent criminal cases that have loudly pointed out by the comically horrible sentences for young men who have violated women. It's a topic I need to know better. It's conversations where I need to listen more than talk. And, it’s understanding that my view of the world leaves me blind to what women experience on a day-to-day basis. I want to apologize to any women to whom I have said something insensitive or sexist in the last 34 years. I could blame it on being a dumb white male, or I could excuse myself by saying I did my best. Or, I could blame the culture I grew up in. The problem is, we are way past making excuses for our own behavior and attitude toward women. It’s time as a culture to be better, and I will attempt just that.