Sunday Night With John: Talk With People Not At Them

As I was finishing up a session with a school leadership group, I took the opportunity to ask the students for some feedback. They had listened to my school assembly speech, "If You Can Laugh At It," and had participated in two breakout sections. Now they deserved a chance to have their voices heard. They went around the room and complemented one aspect or another of the day. As I listened, a comment by a young female student stuck with me.  “I felt like you talked with us, instead of at us,” she said.

This observation caused me to pause and remember my favorite quote of all time, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” We all often forget the exact wording of great advice we received in a time of need. We often forget the circumstances that led to that advice. But, we never forget how someone made us feel in a time of great need. That is the power of emotions and what they do for us. They imprint the event, cause a memory, and shift our focus. It’s what turns a lecture into a pep talk, a life-crushing moment into laughter, and a feeling of being talked at into a feeling of being talked with. 

That is the power that comes from respecting your family member, your friend, your employee, your student, or even a stranger, when you are trying to help. Do you realize that what you said then will be all but forgotten years from now? However, if you can help someone feel hopeful, happy, or inspired, you have a chance to leave an unbelievable impact. My dad doled out advice about life daily, and while I remember some of  it, I remember in greater detail how safe, understood, and happy he made me feel during those talks. UltImately, I will have spent less than one percent of this young girl's life with her. She will go on to have bigger moments with greater emotions. But, when sheremembers the day I visited her school, she will remember the feeling of being talked with and not at.  And that is greater and more impactful than any sentence I strung together that day.