Sunday Night With John: The Follow-Up Question.

Anne, my wife, after helping me grammar check my blog about suicide last Sunday asked me a very poignant question. She asked me if would have really gone through with it. If the picture of my mom and dad didn’t stay up on my desk and tug at my heart enough to stop me, what would have I done? I pondered for a second because in all my years of talking and sharing my story with everyone, no one ever asked me that question.

As she waited for my response, I sat back on the couch and had to really think for a minute. This is what I was pondering:

“The magnitude of witnessing someone’s death leaves more than an imprint on your soul; it has a way of injecting into your way of thinking. 

 My best friend Eric’s death shaped my thinking into realizing we are only given so much time in life at a young age. As my emotional health began to strengthen I vowed that I would not spend my life on activities I felt were frivolous. I live each day with the memory of Eric and how he changed me in life and in death. One day I will write a long blog on how witnessing a death immediately changed the trajectory of my life.”

When I finally had the words put together, I looked up at her and said I didn’t know if I would have been successful but I would have definitely hurt myself pretty bad. Our conversations continued with Anne asking how much my dad’s death and Eric’s death affected me. I told her that my Dad’s death made me angry at life, but Eric’s death left me desperate and confused. If Eric didn’t die I probably wouldn’t have ended up alone in my room that night.  Eric’s death is something I never fully understood until years later.

The important part of this conversation was the question Anne asked.  It lead us to a meaningful and powerful conversation that allowed us to better understand each other and realize that our pasts sometimes guide our current decisions. The death of my father and Eric are woven into the very fabric of who I am. While they no longer are a large part of me, those events still affect my thinking to this very day. Anne took a difficult topic and turned into a moment where she and I could learn, connect, and come closer together as couple.

The greatest part of this exchange was the curiosity and honesty that it was approached with. Not once did I feel that Anne was asking questions looking to pass judgment. She simply wanted to learn about her husband’s past, his thought process, and how those two interact. I felt safe and cared about enough to answer honestly. It felt great having Anne want to know more about my emotions during that difficult time in my life.  I get emails from concerned parents, and those working with youth about how to get them to open up. The only thing you can do is asks those tough follow-up questions without judgment but with curiosity and hope they feel you’re genuine enough to answer honestly.  The most important thing to remember is to never stop asking those questions.  We need those questions asked, so people feel comfortable and safe to share even their toughest emotions in hopes of going down the road to emotional health.