Sunday Night With John: Where Are The Directions For Life?

Uncertainty, a word when typed alone seems harmless and unassuming.  That’s the thing about finding yourself in uncertain times; you often didn’t even see it coming. Maybe you did see it coming and said to yourself, this time I’m ready for the change.  But we can’t account for all the variables life creates. We get in our routines, surround ourselves with a support system and we create habits that weed out the uncertainty in our lives as best we can.  One day you are going along, life seems stable and the ground beneath you provides solid footing. The next day your world seems foreign and you watch each step extra carefully for fear of falling flat on your face. 

I have experienced a number of uncertain times in my life.  From the death of my father, death of my best friend Eric, leaving Ohio to attend school in Iowa, and numerous relationship changes throughout the years. We all have made difficult choices or had life put us in difficult situations where uncertainty swoops in and takes over our thoughts, emotions and our reactions to life. If you think about the pillars of strength in your life, imagine if one of those was gone tomorrow.  How would your next day, your next week or next month look?  Would you act different?  Or, would you respond differently?

I have spent the last two weeks fighting being uncertain about my life. I made a choice to leave a job that I loved and felt worked toward what I feel will be a better future for my clients. I didn’t expect the trouble I would experience in adjusting to the change and the uncertainty it would create in my thoughts and emotions. I thought I prepared myself for the change and wanted to make the change for numerous reasons. I was shocked by how much I was struggling to adjust to the pace of my new life. So many variables I didn’t account for, so many emotions firing, so many doubts about making the right decision.  I remember not being able to put my finger on exactly what I was feeling. I remember being angry because while the change brought so many positive to my life, it caused great fear and angst in my mood on a daily basis.

Each morning I would awake and say to myself, "Today is the day you put this uncertainty behind you, today is the day this feels normal, today is the day I embrace the entirety of the change, the positive, and the negatives.  Today is the day I start living this choice thoroughly." By the 3 or 4 in the afternoon the uncertainty of the unfamiliar had reared it’s ugliness and I again doubted, second-guessed, and my once unflappable confidence wavered. It’s wasn’t until a car ride with Anne, my wife, did I find the right words to put my uncertainty into the proper context. My support system had been great helping me get through each day, but I needed this moment of clarity to embrace all the negative emotions I’ve been experiencing. Anne asked what’s the biggest thing you are struggling with? I answered, “Anne, I’m just lost, I don’t know how to act daily.” I’m Just Lost, I guess I needed I to hear it out loud. All the uncertainty was because I was lost. Being lost creates uncertainty for everyone. I haven’t met a person who enjoys the feeling of being lost.  It can be confusing, make you feel stupid, and cause you to panic. The thing about being lost is that you can find you’re way again.

After this exchange, my mind was allowed to wander to solutions to wrap my head around being lost.  I remembered a hiking trip Anne and I were taking in Banff, Canada. The sign said 11.6 kilometers to the Tea House. Anne and I read the sign which said the Tea House was built in 1908 and not much else. Anne didn’t put much thought into it and we took off on a hike for the Tea House. We hiked a long ways before running into avalanche snow covered trail section. We had to gingerly find proper footing to traverse those trail sections. Uncertainty seeped into our minds as whether we should finish the trip.  I made the comment to Anne, "We have come this far, we need to finish this trail and get to the Tea House." Both of our nerves and uncertainty drained from our thoughts and feelings. We buckled down and helped each over the snow-covered ledges and climbed to the Tea House 7,000 feet up.

When we arrived at the Tea House and it was still in operation, we were able to sit down and soothed our worries with a hot cup of tea and fill our weary bellies from the hike with delightful biscuits and lentil soup. Anne and I moved through our uncertain footing and we found the most surprising moment of our honeymoon and created a memory for a life time.  As I think about feeling lost over the last two weeks, I will trust the path my family and friends have helped me lay out for myself. I will embrace the mantra, "All that wander are not lost." I will ask for help, guidance, and direction like I did before this change and I will find my footing again. I’m no longer lost, I just can’t see the destination yet. I will continue my hike to reach the next Tea House of my life, when you face uncertain times I hope you will do the same. 

By far the best end to a long hike ever!