Sunday Night With John: Who Had It Worse?

“No way John, you had it worse. I mean, you had your dad and then you lost him,” my client proclaimed.  He had been a client in my program for 6 months and always brought up the conversation of who had it worse.  He was a cool kid, one who had never been given a break in life.  He was smart and challenged authority at ever turns, which is probably the number one reason he was never given a break. I liked him for that fact.  He shouldn’t have trusted adults; there wasn’t a single adult in his life had proven to be trustworthy.

“No way man, you had it worse,” I replied. “ I had a dad and I know what it feels like to be loved.  You know that feeling that you have never experienced,” I replied as I was hoping to move on from our conversation about comic book characters. I enjoy those thoroughly but some times to help others, you have to dig and push a little.

My client replied, “I know I complain about never having a dad who showed up for me, but I can’t fathom having a great dad and then poof, he is gone. I mean to me that would suck.” I chimed back with, “what would cause me great pain is the unanswered question of why my father didn’t want to be a dad. I couldn’t function knowing he was out there still causing me pain. I would have to know why he wouldn’t show up for me.”

“Yes, that questions nags at me a lot,” he said.  “But I guess coming from someone who has always wanted a dad and never got one, I think losing a great one would be the worst.”

“Yeah but having a great dad makes me realize what great things you have missed out on.”

“John? Do you realize what we are arguing over?”

“Yes, we are both arguing that other one had it worse. Kind of a weird argument to have but at least we are talking about your emotions around your father right,” I said.

“This is the oddest argument I have ever had.”

“You are young, you will get into tons of stupid arguments over the years. People tell each other their wrong all the time.”

“But John, thanks for saying I had it worst than you did.”

“I wouldn’t have said it unless I believed it,” I stated as I walked away to move the rest of the group through the day.

“I wouldn’t have said it unless, I believed it.” People who have been lied to over and over again can see through non-authentic people. It’s their greatest skill for survioral. They are able to catch on to someone’s non-verbal communication and tone of voice and just know instinctively if this person is trust-worthy.

 Even though my client and my conversation took on the tone of us arguing the other one had it worse, I have witnessed numerous other emotionally draining conversations where people have what I call an “Emotional-Off.” This is where two people argue over who is sadder, who is angrier, who is happier, who has the crappier life.  In our culture we tend to always perseverate whose job is worse, whose sadness is sadder and how others have it so much better than we do.  As we move through life everything becomes a competition, even emotions.

What sad state that we can’t connect and help each other through our tough times.  Instead it seems that we often have to out do each other’s misery. The above conversation immediately began to shape my talk, as I wanted people to share emotions with a purpose. The purpose was to not to just share emotions; it was to understand that everyone’s emotions matter. We should be connecting over emotions, not putting someone’s emotions down to make our emotions seem to be more valid.  I began to crack a joke in my talk about having “sad-off” conversations. When I explain to the audience what these are they all nod their head in agreement. If you are honest with yourself right now, you are nodding your head in agreement too. You have either participated in “emotional-off” conversation or witnessed one.

As my client and I wrapped up our conversation, we began to realize that both our situations sucked and they were something we could connect over.  For us to say that one of our emotions was more deeply felt than the others, we are failing our own human experience. It will be great when we can realize that sad is sad, and happy is happy.  Just because we may come to feeling sadness or happiness through different situations, it doesn’t mean that my feeling of happiness is stronger than yours.  It is my goal that we can cry together over our sad moments, we can reminisce over our happy moments, and we can assist each other in overcoming what causes us fear.

 “ I never thought I would ever argue that someone had it worse than I did,” my client stated.

  “If you can realize that some people had it bad too, just maybe what is holding you back can be overcome,” I said.

 “Ha,” he laughed. “What you’re saying is that your life sucked at some point, you got over it.”

 “Kind of,” I said with a smile.  “What I’m really saying is that it sucks for both of us, and neither of us are wrong.”

 “I can agree that it sucks for both of us,” he said through a laugh. “It’s nice to know somebody gets that can life suck, can make me feel like I’m not wrong, and can be happy again.”

That last statement was the whole reason to carry through that conversation.  We were no longer arguing over who had it worse, we were equals connecting over rough patches in our life, and that is the why we share emotions, to connect.

The conversation used for this blog happened 3-4 years ago between a client and me.  It is not verbatim, but captures the spirit of what was said between us. 

Thanks for reading my blog. Please like and share it with others. Enjoy your day!