The Way You Do The Things You Do
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The Way You Do The Things You Do
John Paul Derryberry
Listening to the Temptations is such a warm memory for me. Their smooth sounds and harmonies always landed effortlessly on my ears. I often return to them to relive some childhood nostalgia, just as almost every human being does at some point. My guess is that with the world the way it is, lots of people are going down memory lane to find some peace from the turmoil. For me, that has meant circling their famous song, They Way You Do The Things You Do, a song about how the way certain people do things just sits with us in a special way. Yet there is always the contrast, the way other people do things leaves us feeling icky.
Throughout my career in the helper field, I’ve seen even the best intentions go awry simply because of the way people carry themselves. I remember a former supervisor who made a professional judgment call that went sideways but responded with, “I would do it again the same way.” There was no accountability, no self-evaluation, no growth—just a missed opportunity. That approach left a giant hole of doubt in the group that followed. Everyone makes mistakes; it’s taking ownership, making amends, and growing from them that brings people together. The journey and way we conduct ourselves to reach good outcomes matter just as much as the results themselves, if not more so.
Recently, I watched a group of people fundraising after a tragedy, mere hours after it struck. It communicated they were happy this tragedy occurred because it gave fuel to their desires, to their version of the story. I know not a single word they uttered conveyed that, but their actions laid down the notion that they were spurred on by what happened because it fueled their agenda. I know we all like to think our words carry more weight than our actions do, but humans just aren't wired that way. Actions carry the lion’s share of the communication we do between each other. I observed the whole ordeal with such sadness. A tragedy muddied up by the very people intending to help. Not because they are not good people trying to do good, but because they are unaware that the way we conduct ourselves has massive consequences.
The way we do things is the through line between intention, actions, communication, and what we find important. Always show up late to family functions, never make the adjustments your partner respectfully requests, let your conduct become a big lie, and/or help people further your own agenda, which causes people to change their view of the way you do things. We start to distance ourselves from your choices because it no longer brings warmth. It brings a coldness that lingers within every interaction. The Temptations sang about how the way certain people do things made us want to spend more time together. May we find a way to conduct ourselves that way as much as possible: to strengthen relationships through thoughtful, caring actions, and when we mess up, to take accountability without blaming others. Because that is a thing anyone can do, which always leads to a better connection.