Change For All the Wrong Reasons

Change For All The Wrong Reasons

John Paul Derryberry

I have spent my career helping people understand their mental health. It has had me observe groups of people interacting for a long time. Honing in on people's interactions and navigating the tricky relationships we all create or stumble into. I can tell you one thing for sure, almost every relationship healthy or unhealthy at some point has us questioning ourselves. If you spend your career doing behavior interventions, you start to pick up on some weird cultural occurrences that shape social groups.

One thing that has been a constant through these observations is how often we adjust our lives for the wrong people. It's for very noble reasons that this occurs. We usually all feel the emotional pull to share experiences, to be inclusive, and to be considerate of other's emotions. It's one of the more beautiful aspects of humanity. Most of us have a desire to connect and seek harmony in our social groups. Every time I see it, it ignites my hope that we may figure out how to interact as a diverse society one day!

Yet there is a common theme I see over and over again in the group dynamics. Often, the mean, unhappy, disgruntled, and combative people move throughout the group, taking up all the oxygen. It's almost as if they know most of humanity is good, so if they sprinkle in their unhealthy and frequently selfish complaints, others will change their behaviors to keep the group in harmony. It's not harmful the first or second time it happens, we all have selfish moments, this story teller included. Eventually though it morphs the social dynamics into a highly unhealthy shape, bending all the interactions around keeping one person stable. All those little changes the group made to accommodate the selfish person contorts everything into something mimicking a relationship but it leaves most of the group confused and hurting as to what will it take to have a fulfilling relationship with this person.

We end up changing for the person we shouldn't change our behavior for. We end up ignoring healthy people, regulating them to the back burner, and disrupting our traditions or customs with a positive influence; all to keep the peace with the always disgruntled no matter how much we change people. It creates such sadness, such self doubt, and such soul searching. Even when we adjust our lives a lot, the unhealthy people will never be satisfied. It's like filling a bucket of water with a gaping hole in the bottom. All while, people who love us, treat us great, and bend for us are regulated to second fiddle. We have kept the peace, but at what cost to others in our lives.

Full disclosure: I'm sensitive to this because I used to be the bucket with a hole in the bottom. I was the person who disrupted the group; so my emotions were always intact, and I wasn't concerned if everyone else in my orbit was out of sorts. It was unhealthy, and recovery was hard. Sitting with uncomfortable emotions is hard but necessary for healthy relationships to develop. Admitting you’re a big problem in your own unhappiness is bleeping scary. Identifying the correct people to adjust our behaviors for is even more complex. I can promise you, a fulfilling life awaits us when we learn to turn toward people who share the emotional space we both occupy. Usually, that starts by turning away from those who don't, no matter how hard it is. We all have to change, it’s a part of life, just make sure it’s for the correct people.