Lower Case A, Allies

Lower Case A, Allies

John Paul Derryberry

Confusion abounds when we attempt to navigate an area of life where we have no idea what we are doing. It's not often I find myself in that arena; being a white straight male has allowed me few moments when I'm the minority in the room, and never have I been the least powerful person in the room. It makes for a strange feeling when I enter into the world of an ally for the LGBTQ world or the BLM movement. I find myself confused about the correct way to conduct myself for the time I spend in their world. It's a positive for my life to experience this. But at the end of the day, it's just an experience for me, for my friends in the community; it's their livelihood, their mental health, their future at stake. It's a feeble attempt to understand the confusion they experienced more frequently, more intensely, and in greater detail than I could experience in a 1000 lifetimes.

The first thing most people notice about me is the confidence I carry myself with. I often wonder how much confidence comes from interacting in a world set up to feed my confidence.  I remember vividly a story a friend who is gay told me about a blind date, and when the guy walked in, he looked just like me. The blind date looked so much like me;  my friend cleaned off his glasses quickly to make sure it wasn't. I was slightly uncomfortable for about two seconds that my sexuality was in question. Yet people question his sexuality all the time; it must suck to live like that. So I forge ahead, doing my best to be an ally without taking over. Because too often, minority group movements are co-opted by those in power.

Heck, maybe even writing this blog about trying to be a good ally is in poor taste. If it is, I hope
my friends in the minority communities let me know it was and how to do better next time. They are welcome to use this space to write what it would mean to be a good ally. My goal as an ally is to remember its ally with a lower case A, not an upper case A. My place is to support, attend, constantly be learning, and share my knowledge with oppressors because they may listen to me because I look like them and, most importantly, never lead. Minority groups have wonderful, insightful, compassionate leaders that need no assistance from a schmuck like me.

I get it; the changing pronouns can be confusing. New terms such as cis-gender can be scary. It's easier to throw up your hands and say too much, I don't get it, and I'll never understand it. If I ever find myself inching toward this line of thinking, I hope I'll remember what I've always sought out as a human, to be accepted for who I want to be, as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. And that's all minority groups are looking for in allies, people who will accept them as they are, as long as they are not hurting anyone else. They want to be around people who will ask questions, people who will acknowledge they are confused, which I did once and was met with the perfect reply, "Honey, we all are". So take a back seat, let them lead you to a better understanding of the human experience. Become an ally who, from time to time, screws up stuff. They'll forgive you; they do compassion better than most. Or continue to deny them basic human rights, and become another a-word that nobody should strive to become.