SNWJ: I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now

I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now 

John Paul Derryberry 

I have been asked this question many times in my life and the first few times my answer was a lie. I withheld the truth because I knew the answer was going land me a lot of weird looks. I misled people because my answer would not land as intended. My explanation would be clunky and poorly delivered.  I was dishonest because I didn’t want to hear the answer out loud. My answer into the spoken world meant it was now 100% truth and I wasn’t sure I was ready to live my life with this fact as rock solid truth for me.

What was this question? Well, I was sitting with my wife, and we were discussing the worst things that have occurred in our life and the best things. I finally felt secure enough to answer honestly what was the best thing that has ever transpired in my life. It just so happens that both the best and worst occurrence in my life come from the same event. I swallowed hard and spit out, “My dad passing away”. My wife looked puzzled and asked are you serious? I replied solemnly,  “Yes.”

It’s not in the way you normally think of “best”, because losing my dad is and always will be one of the worst moments in my life. I can still feel everything from the longest moment in my life.  That moment had most profound and biggest impact on my life. What his passing did was set me on a course that forced me to create a version of my life I never imagined. It’s a wonderful and beautiful life. After all these years I get to take stock of how his death impacted my life. From my view, I do the math and it adds up. It’s the best thing that has happened to me.

Look, I know it’s an odd thought process. In my late twenties on a long run, I was working out some inner thought dilemmas and one of them was the thought about the best things that have ever occured in my life. When I landed on my dad dying at age 14 I had to stop running because I felt I had betrayed one of the people I wanted to make proud.  I thought my brain was lying to me, and I thought I was a terrible person. I shut off that answer, but anytime anyone asked me, that was the first answer that popped into my head.

I began to examine why I came to this conclusion and why I was becoming more comfortable with this personal truth. I began to examine my life and realized none of what makes me satisfied, happy, passionate, and driven likely occurs without my dad dying when he did. I don’t search out new truths, new people, and new experiences that reshaped my ideals without his death. I do not know the true meaning of suffering without losing the greatest man I ever knew. I do not know the depths of my mother's strength without seeing her live without my dad. I do not know the definition of real love without seeing my sister and brother care for me without watching them become partial parents to me.

The biggest change that happened with my father’s death was I when recognized the power behind a mended spirit and healed soul because I had to walk that path.  I would have never appreciated the miles and miles of crap people go through to have a sip of happiness. I would not know how embracing laughing till you cry is worth more than any number in a bank account. I look at the life I have built and I see Anne, my wife, my family,  my Flying Eagles Social Club Friends (another story for another day), the public speaking, the life changing moments, the hikes, and the positive attitude that seems to infect those around me, and I have none of it without him dying at age 14.

I always tell my wife, I never thought I would be this happy. (http://jpderryberry.com/blog/ifimhappy) That powerful statement has direct roots to the day my dad died. That day wiped away a lot of my identity, that’s what horrible moments do to us, they take away our innocence and our defining character traits. We question everything we thought we knew: God, friends, family, and the meaning of life.  It’s my truth that the worst moment changed my life by creating space for me to turn into the best version of me. It hurts me to type that sentence. Still twenty year later after his death, it hurts.

But that doesn’t change the truth. I’m a better person because I lost him. If we traverse the pitfall world of life shattering moments, we come out the other side, more compassionate, more experienced, and with increased emotional intelligence. We appreciate life moments, we linger longer with loved ones and friends. We always know, “it could be worse”.  We understand the “what really matters” aspect of life most people skip over. Done correctly, our worst moments can be a slingshot towards our best. So I can finally be comfortable with my truth. What is the best thing that ever happened to me? My dad dying when I was 14. Not because I ever wanted that event to occur, but because it made me have to find another John. A John I didn’t know existed, but one that my dad would be so proud to know.