Dear Little Ladies: Make Space For Others
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Dear Little Ladies: Make Space For Others
John Paul Derryberry
Dear Millie and Greta,
It's time for your yearly fatherly advice from your dad. It's year six of being your dad and year five of a year writing out some advice that you may read when you get older. This year has brought on the usual round of significant milestones for growing up, losing teeth, Greta starting school, making friends at school, and the slow process of you realizing there is a great big world outside of our family unit.
I will remember this year of fatherhood for a couple of things. Millie, you could read this letter with help from Mom or Dad; what an accomplishment for you. Greta, our morning rides and listening to music on the way to drop you off at pre-school. It gave us the first actual songs that are ours. The Well by Briscoe and Modern Girl by the Bleachers. The late-night dance parties and pretending to play the saxophone with you two are memories that could carry me in a good mood even on my worst days. The biggest thing is how you two support each other; it's a sight to see that, on most days, you are cheering each other on. I hope we always keep that; everyone can use more cheerleaders.
For this year's lesson, let's focus on something your grandma Cynthia does better than anyone I know: She makes space for other people in a genuine way. Most of society angles to hog the space for themselves, their desires, and their wants. Yet some of the best people in the world are the ones that make space for others to thrive, to feel included, and to be seen. She knows I dislike peas and goes the extra mile to make her seven-layer salad with a small portion without peas so I can enjoy it. She even uses tape that marks where the gross pea section and the tasty non-pea side separate. Most people say if you want it your way, make it yourself. Not your grandma.
It's a unique skill I hope you pick up along the way. We all need space to figure out who we are. Yet, in today's increasingly intertwined society, we gobble up the space and hoard it for ourselves. Many folks think they will disappear if they share space with others. It's an understandable fear; disappearing is a crazy notion. Yet, I can promise you that sharing space with others leads to whole life, with connections, heartwarming stories, and a constant reminder life is better in shared spaces than spaces we hoard for ourselves.
This skill came later in life when I went into social work and realized if I did my work selfishly, I would cause heartbreak. Healing others can never be about yourself. No matter how elegant your word choices are, they won't have the profound impact to mend a broken soul if done selfishly. You need to give up 1/5 of the pan of 7-layer salad to a reformed picky eater who still doesn't like peas to communicate; we more than want you here, we will. Those small gestures lower people's emotional walls and allow them to feel like they also belong in the space. And that is a gift lots of people need.
You two are growing into intelligent, brave, unique little individuals, but you will always be my little ladies. I hope these lessons give you a hug when we are far apart or long after I'm gone. Being your dad is the best, and I'll always make space for you two.
Love,
Your peas are still gross, Dad.